12/6/2002 – Long Crying Email

that cry thing was like "here's looking at you kid" from Casablanca (film), and its true I was on the verge of crying outside I guess, but I wanted you to know that I could I had the guts to actually tell u how I felt, because its so cheesy saying all those things on instant message, I wanted you to know it was real. . .and its still real for me. . .I’ll see how long I can go over Christmas without thinking about you, cause right now I can't imagine very long, cause working late in the store, there's a lot of free time, I wrote a song yesterday kinda poem it had a good tune I think, some of the words are lame I guess like I didn't like that first one I sent u it was pretty cheesy, I don't usually write such cheese ball lovy dovy nonsense in poems and Alejandro's old roommate ed used to tell me how he got depressed and would write these cheesy poems and I never thought I’d be like that, but now that I’m thinking of it. . .lol. . ..all these songs I listen to they're all depressing but they keep me going I guess. . .if these people felt the same way and didn't give up on life and wrote a song about it you know then I guess I can try. I don't know how I’m going to work now. . .I couldn't sleep last night. . .I mean I slept for like 5 hours and then from 8 until 11 I got up a bunch of times to see if you had written anything or if you were up and feeling the same way. . .I was hoping I guess. . ..I’m always hoping for something. I wish I could just write without all these damn ". . ." things lol, but I’m writing and then I just stop and think about what I’m saying and think about what’s happened. . .and how I’ve actually can't wait to get to California and go to church, I need some direction in life now. . .I mean I don't know what I expected you to say, but I never expected us to date for under a month, let alone a couple weeks and yesterday. . .it almost seemed like we had been dating and we didn't even know it. . .maybe its my fault I make it seem that way. . .and I really do feel those things I said and wrote. . .I just hope its not like with Karim where four months went by and you realize you loved him or something. . .I’d love for it to happen but we're only going to be in school for another four months, I guess you're right, you're too young or something, I don't know what that meant am I too old but I really do keep digging myself deeper every time, but when I’m with you even when I was outside today, I see you smile. . .I see you standing somewhere. . .I’m sorry I’m only hurting myself here I guess huh. . .I guess life's not all far from the madding crowd. . .but he's right you don't know how much damage u do. . .and I want to clarify some things from some things I’ve said in the past: I said I fell in love with you and all these things I never seen before in a girl, well I always thought I wanted some hot girl who was just a slut with big tits blond hair, like some porn start I guess (Jeter hall kids watch way too much porn. . .but Ted hasn't watched much since he met you :-P anyways I know u think its gross and it is). . .but what I’m trying to say is I met you and you don't have big tits, your small, your not a slut, you're not hot (to me if you're hot then you're a slut), your cute and petite and have the most timid smile and a fine ass (I mean a really fine ass, which I only noticed recently) wicked nice hair. . .I don't know how any guy can be your friend and not want more, but maybe they just accept that you're way out of their league. . .selective memory she says remember the good times forget the bad ones, but its all bad now, you wanted to know what I was feeling, I was feeling how standing out there with you was the hardest thing I ever did I told myself I’d do it last night while I was trying to sleep . . .I thought it over million times all the things to say. . .and when I was out with you in New York and Connecticut I kept my hands to myself and all I ever thought about was us together. I don't know what happened, I used to think that I controlled my life. . .but now I have no control over it. . .I thought I was done with this crying business, I wish you hadn't signed off, I wish you'd just call when you want to say hi or ask something. . .I told myself I’d tell you that when you're ready to make a commitment to come and find me, I’m sorry but I keep asking why, I just don't understand your feelings, cause I know they were stronger than a friend, I had you in my room, sober a number of times. . ..fuck I’m sorry. . .I can't make you do anything. . .I want to I really want to just manhandle you like some guy kissing a women who's insistent that she doesn't like the guy in some old black and white film and then in that moment realizes her true feelings, but I'm not an ape, I'm a man, and I need to do some work, cause exams don't get any farther only closer and closer. I love you to death and I guess u knowing that makes it hard for you to be around me and I understand and maybe I’ll forget all about you someday, but I hope its not so, and I don't think you hope that. . .at least I hope not. . .I don't even remember half the things I said in this email. . .but get online so I can send u another song. I keep repeating myself. . .but that thing I said in the conversation last night about money, marriage, and life that’s what I was talking about when I felt I didn't get a reaction, but your feelings aren't strong, I know, but it just doesn't mean anything to me I guess. . .just as my feelings don't mean enough to u, I really should go. . ..but I really will always be waiting for you. . .ha. . .I think. . .but always is along time. . .call me later I guess. . .don't worry I won't talk about this stuff later cause I’ve already forgotten most of it, but I’ll save it and read it again sometime when I’m missing you. . .and joke about how pathetic I was.