12/3/2002 – A Nice Conversation With Ted

t b e a r inside: getting in bed yet
TitePumpkin: yeah
TitePumpkin: good night teddy:-P
t b e a r inside: good night maaa rie
TitePumpkin: ?
t b e a r inside: french style pronounciation
t b e a r inside: oh
TitePumpkin: and don't forget to sit straight or stand up straight or whatever
t b e a r inside: shoot
t b e a r inside: I forgot to make u hear my mom's message to u
TitePumpkin: of last night
TitePumpkin: ?
t b e a r inside: she left a message for u on my cell
t b e a r inside: a new one
TitePumpkin: oh
t b e a r inside: yeah and she loved your note
TitePumpkin: thank u teddy
t b e a r inside: you're welcome
TitePumpkin: I mean it
t b e a r inside: why wouldn't u?
TitePumpkin: I would but I really mean it
t b e a r inside: thanks
TitePumpkin: :-D
t b e a r inside: she wants your address
t b e a r inside: she wants to send you a thankyou note. . .'lettre de remerciement'??
t b e a r inside: does that work?
TitePumpkin: yes it works. . .but I'm the one who should send her a thank uletter again
TitePumpkin: I mean the presents were nothing in comparison to ..u know
t b e a r inside: well u can send her one after you let her send one or something haha
t b e a r inside: yeah
TitePumpkin: I'll send her a christmas card..u'll have to give me ur adrres in carmel
t b e a r inside: okay
t b e a r inside: PMB 3481
P.O. BOX - S
Carmel-by-the-Sea, California
t b e a r inside: 93921
t b e a r inside:
Susan Nista
PMB 3481
P.O. BOX - S
Carmel-by-the-Sea, CA
93921
TitePumpkin: Carmel by the Sea? That's funny I thought it was only a french thing
t b e a r inside: yeah my mom told me how cute she thought you were again today and how austin was with his mom when my mom brought his cell phone back to his house, he said about you, "she was quiet, but she was really nice"
t b e a r inside: i was like thats funny, cause they didn't even talk ahah
t b e a r inside: a french thing?
TitePumpkin: I'm blushing right now!:-[lol
t b e a r inside: hehe
TitePumpkin: I mean in french we say the name of the town + sur mer
TitePumpkin: brb
t b e a r inside: yeah its really popular area among the french
TitePumpkin: u mean the brb or the sea?
t b e a r inside: there are tons of french tour buses and groups of french people come in all the time, i mean its an unusually popular place among french speaking people
t b e a r inside: Carmel
TitePumpkin: ok
TitePumpkin: I thought u were talking about the bathroom because I always need to go the bathroom. . .lol
t b e a r inside: oh
t b e a r inside: hahah
t b e a r inside: lol that would've been a funny joke
t b e a r inside: but my mothers like that
t b e a r inside: except she takes a perscription drug for it now
t b e a r inside: "over-reacting bladder" is what they call it, but i think its just because you're so petite and everything goes through your system assez rapide
t b e a r inside: brb
t b e a r inside: so what do u do in the bathroom. . .i mean exactly, i want to know every single thing. . .in order
t b e a r inside: me i go to the bathroom: 1) brush my teeth, 2) peepee, 3) wash my hands. . .wet my face 4) dry off 5) come back to room 6) try to figure out why marie isn't back yet who left 10 minutes ago :-(
TitePumpkin: well firdst I wash my hands. . .wash my teeth then my face. . ..go to the bathroom (I mean u know) then wash my hands and ..that's it
t b e a r inside: wash your face? isn't that a process though
TitePumpkin: what do u mean?
t b e a r inside: (brush your teeth)
TitePumpkin: ?
t b e a r inside: i mean u have to use stuff
TitePumpkin: stuff?
t b e a r inside: u don't just use soap do u?
TitePumpkin: no
TitePumpkin: I have a toothbreush and toothpaste like all normal people
TitePumpkin: and for my face I have a specia;l soap
TitePumpkin: what did u think?
t b e a r inside: oh
t b e a r inside: i dunno
t b e a r inside: i figured u used like 10 different things to wash your face or something
t b e a r inside: some girls are obsessed with one thing and others another
t b e a r inside: like i'm not telling you u should or anything it just seems like girls in general spend a lot of time in the bathroom
t b e a r inside: compared to guys i guess
TitePumpkin: well first I have to remove makeup (only the eyes) and after I washed my face I put some cream (only 3 times a week) and a product for u know little imperfections
TitePumpkin: happy?
TitePumpkin: But the thing is it dries my face and I look red after
t b e a r inside: oh
t b e a r inside: so u have to use moisturizer?
TitePumpkin: I should but I don't
t b e a r inside: oh
TitePumpkin: coz then it's too much stuff on my face
t b e a r inside: yeah
TitePumpkin: but the next morning my skin is fine. . .I mean not dry
t b e a r inside: i mean u wash it all off though
TitePumpkin: this is a weird conversation
t b e a r inside: i use that oxy stuff every so often it dries the heck out of your skin
TitePumpkin: oh
t b e a r inside: yeah
t b e a r inside: well i'm all set to jump in bed
t b e a r inside: u?
TitePumpkin: I was about to put my pj's on
t b e a r inside: you mean you aren't wearing any underwear
t b e a r inside: :-D
TitePumpkin: I meant that I still had my clothes on. . .>:o
t b e a r inside: :-D
t b e a r inside: i'm smiling very biggly now
TitePumpkin: I can see that
t b e a r inside: lol
t b e a r inside: i don't wear my pjs anymore
t b e a r inside: cause our heaters work so much better
t b e a r inside: it gets hot. . .it stays hot
TitePumpkin: what do u wear then?
t b e a r inside: nothing
t b e a r inside: i sleep naked
TitePumpkin: sure
t b e a r inside: jk
t b e a r inside: just boxers
TitePumpkin: I don't think ur roommate would appreciate if u were naked
t b e a r inside: i sleep with covers on
t b e a r inside: he wouldn't know
TitePumpkin: and when u wake up?
t b e a r inside: well he has class before me all the time
TitePumpkin: and if u loose ur covers
t b e a r inside: well as long as i wasn't dreaming of belgian dutch french girls i think it wouldn't be a problem
TitePumpkin: I see
t b e a r inside: :-D
t b e a r inside: ted's friends with too many stoners, he's feelinging very lightheaded
t b e a r inside: i think i just made your profile
TitePumpkin: lol
TitePumpkin: what?
t b e a r inside: 'feelinging'
t b e a r inside: weird i can't see when u're typing anymore
t b e a r inside: let your Teddy Bear sleep
t b e a r inside: and he'll let you sleep too
t b e a r inside: oh i wanted to tell you some things but nan was here maybe some other day
t b e a r inside: good night miss doesn't respond
t b e a r inside: Lacheuse!!!!!!
TitePumpkin: hey I was doing ur test : What drink are u
TitePumpkin: but I don't really understand
t b e a r inside: ". . . remember that not all strange men in the forest are Prince Charmings, no matter how well they dance. . .." is rosa referring to me? i mean i know i'm a good dancer and all but u know. . .
TitePumpkin: what kind of stuff did u want to talk about
t b e a r inside: i'm a vampire
t b e a r inside: what we were talking about in the bus
TitePumpkin: ok
TitePumpkin: ?
t b e a r inside: well u said to say it, so i'll wait and say it
TitePumpkin: say it now
t b e a r inside: i'm going to bed now
t b e a r inside: :-P
TitePumpkin: >:o

Auto response from t b e a r inside:
SLEEPING!!:-D ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

TitePumpkin: :'(
t b e a r inside: sleep, my little 12 hour sleeping beauty
t b e a r inside: you need your beauty sleep
TitePumpkin: CONGRATS! You're a Potty Jello! Basically, this means you're Alcofuckinholic. I'm sorry, but someone had to say it.
t b e a r inside: hahahahahahahhaahahahaha
TitePumpkin: ewww
t b e a r inside: ewww?
t b e a r inside: oh Potty?
TitePumpkin: like toilets
t b e a r inside: yeah
t b e a r inside: alright cutie, i already miss spending every moment with you. . .and me just fixing the stupid fires all the time lol
t b e a r inside: but its time for a big toby nap
TitePumpkin: yeah it was nice to spend time with u. . .
TitePumpkin: good night..teddy
t b e a r inside: i'm gonna miss you over christmas you know that
TitePumpkin: I'll miss u too
t b e a r inside: i'll send u a post card
t b e a r inside: okay
TitePumpkin: :-D I'll send u e-mails
t b e a r inside: nightynight
TitePumpkin: g'night
t b e a r inside: lol
TitePumpkin: what?

Auto response from t b e a r inside:
SLEEPING!!:-D ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

12/5/2002 – Email to Marie

Yo, lets go work out tonight? maybe play some racketball. . .um i'm almost done with this paper. . .i'm so proud of myself. . .hehe. . ..well I'm definitely going to go work out cause i'm in the mood so =P, um. . ..i'm bored of working but i'm close to finishing. . .i have like two paragraphs to write. i'll get rishi to proof read it. . ..he's so annoying he always bitches that this school is so easy and that any idiot can get an A on an essay, mother fucker. . .the day i get an A on a english essay. . ..i'm a creative writer though and that doesn't help at this school, it demands me to write ananlytical papers analizing stuff i don't care about at all. . ..and i can't use "i" grrr! I'm used to it now. . ..but i'll never be
used to B and C papers. . . i just don't get it. . .grr..i was writing my screenplay yesterday all day, that was a lot of fun, i have like 25 pages. . .its tough writing a book/screenplay, constantly having to make everything work and go perfectly, i can't finish with the thing until its perfect and flawless, maybe i'm a big dreamer but i've heard that these days they pay upwards of a million dollars for a screenplay. I've got millions of creative ideas just waiting to be inked. . ..and i have zero analytical ideas of why friendship needs to be compared to Charlotte Temple (what i'm writing about now, though i'm doing better than
usual). . .only problem is i hate having a limited vocabulary, i need to memorize like another thousand words cause i never know what i want to say or what's the better way to say it. . .grrr i guess i'll work some more now. . .i have some interesting ideas for this final paper that might throw the teacher off his seat. . . At one time in the story the girl has sex and then the guy comes and says it was friendship. . .the story takes place during the American Revolution: late 1700s, and i'm supposed to relate that instance to the Revolution lol!
So lets see. . .the girl is england and the guy is United States so he screws england and then declares his independence with england by calling a truce. . ..so maybe that might work. . .i think the teacher would be interested in me doing that too haha. . .i like toying with teachers and making them read this kind of crap, cause it lets me use some imagination and not just stupid quotes from the book. . ..anyways i'm bored as u can see. . ..laters!

-Ted

12/5/2002 – Worst Conversation Ever

Maryy popins:
can I talk to u?
JUST TED dit
hi
MARY POPPINS DIT
hey
MARY POPPINS DIT
so what's going on?
JUST TED dit
i dunno
JUST TED dit
what is going on?
MARY POPPINS DIT
well ur e-mail was pretty ...can't find the word and then u send me an e-mail telling me how much I owe u I mean it's weird
JUST TED dit
there's this guy named ted....maybe you know him...he likes you a lot...he never wants to be mean to you or anything...and he knows this girl marie and she's always trying to be mean or something and ted here just doesn't understand....i mean i'm sorry you had a lot going on today, but shit i just thought it was cute the way you were eating and then u just get all bitchy at me...i don't know,
MARY POPPINS DIT
sorry but it wasn't SO mean
MARY POPPINS DIT
Maybe it sounded like it but ...well I guess it didn't sound nice ....
MARY POPPINS DIT
I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt u like that
JUST TED dit
and the email... was just because i found your card in my wallet and i thought maybe you'd like to know and the money i don't know, i mean if you're just going to be a bitch to me and choose when you want to talk and be nice on your own time then fine maybe you should find another friend
MARY POPPINS DIT
ok
MARY POPPINS DIT
come on this is ridiculous
MARY POPPINS DIT
but apparently that's what u want so ...
JUST TED dit
i'm sorry for being sensitive, i didn't know it was in me until i met you
MARY POPPINS DIT
oh please
MARY POPPINS DIT
Ok I'm a bitch I make u cry ...what can I say or 'll just have to stop being ur friend if it's the only way to make things better
JUST TED dit
yeah, really easy for you huh
MARY POPPINS DIT
Of course not
MARY POPPINS DIT
But what can I do????
JUST TED dit
say something
MARY POPPINS DIT
I mean that's what ur trying to tell me
MARY POPPINS DIT
what?
JUST TED dit
i wish i could just start over
MARY POPPINS DIT
well u can;t
JUST TED dit
but i can't
JUST TED dit
well if you don't feel like its a big loss, then fuck maybe i don't know what friends are
MARY POPPINS DIT
what are u talking about!!!! When did I say it's not gonna be a big loss???
JUST TED dit
"what can i do" what the hell is that like okay fine no big loss thats what that means
JUST TED dit
damnit marie
JUST TED dit
you know how i feel
JUST TED dit
this is just bullshit, on my part and yours and just sick of it
MARY POPPINS DIT
BUT I CAN"T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
JUST TED dit
yeah well telling yourself that really helps
MARY POPPINS DIT
what?
JUST TED dit
how were the cookies
MARY POPPINS DIT
ok
JUST TED dit
just okay?
MARY POPPINS DIT
u want to talk about cookies?
JUST TED dit
i want to talk about anything
MARY POPPINS DIT
ok well I don't ... ur saying something then about cookies
JUST TED dit
i dunno....but that really hurts
MARY POPPINS DIT
what?
JUST TED dit
i can't do anything about it...
JUST TED dit
i'm waiting here for you to do something about it
MARY POPPINS DIT
well I don't understand what u want me to do?
MARY POPPINS DIT
I think it'll be a big loss for me if we weren't friends anymore..I'm gonna miss u SO MUCH next year...so please don't tell me I'm just a bitch who doesn't give a shit about u
JUST TED dit
thats a little more like it....was that so hard
MARY POPPINS DIT
what's so hard?
JUST TED dit
'doing something'
JUST TED dit
forget about it
JUST TED dit
i'm sick of online talking
JUST TED dit
i think i'll smoke a cigarette
MARY POPPINS DIT
I'm SICK OF ALL THIS...FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!1
JUST TED dit
wow...we changed conversations after ....'was that so hard'
JUST TED dit
or 'forget about it'
JUST TED dit
its nice to know we're still friends
JUST TED dit
i was really worried there for a moment cause you were saying some shady stuff
MARY POPPINS DIT
u don't get it I'm sick of this relationship....
MARY POPPINS DIT
I'm so frustrated right now
JUST TED dit
speak
MARY POPPINS DIT
this conversation it just doesn't make me want to be friends like nothing happened...FUCK
JUST TED dit
yeah actually a lot has happened
JUST TED dit
well see i found this random girl who was really skinny and small and when i first saw her i was like ...uh...who are you to random girls knocking at my door when i'm sleeping and then i stole the marie girl's name from alejandro's im list
MARY POPPINS DIT
I've this story athousand times and I'm sick of it
JUST TED dit
and we started gabbing a bit and then this sort of friendship of sorts developed and we started spending almost all of our free time together until marie realized she actually had to do work to stay in school
JUST TED dit
and then there was this period where people thought she was my girlfriend and kept telling me that if she wasn't my official girlfriend i had to "put her back on the market" so another month or so went by until they kissed for the first time.....and then they were 'dating' but it was short lived, because marie's feelings weren't sound and then a couple weeks later Ted hooked up with her again even
JUST TED dit
though she said her roommate would get mad at her....but ted already pretty drunk himself didn't realize that she too was drunk so he drank all the stuff she said to him down like wine and then the next day was like the best day of Ted's life, where he actually thought he found something in this world worth holding onto and a week later the pair had broken up again.
JUST TED dit
and then
MARY POPPINS DIT
I don't want to hurt u anymore and because of that I won't cut this conversation but that's what I really want to do now
JUST TED dit
yeah i'm done moaning
JUST TED dit
now i'll ask your question
JUST TED dit
what do u want me to say
MARY POPPINS DIT
I don't know what I want
JUST TED dit
come on i've heard that before
MARY POPPINS DIT
ok byr
JUST TED dit
?
JUST TED dit
be real
MARY POPPINS DIT
bye
JUST TED dit
don't
JUST TED dit
don't make me come over there
MARY POPPINS DIT
ur trying to make me feel bad and I don't have to listen to thisa
JUST TED dit
i'm not this time
JUST TED dit
for the first time in a while
MARY POPPINS DIT
u are
JUST TED dit
i stopped at the area that we're in now...cause i don't know whats going on anymore
MARY POPPINS DIT
so u thought that asking my roommate woulkd gelp??
JUST TED dit
i didn't ask her
JUST TED dit
somebody just tried to call and i was wondering if it was u
MARY POPPINS DIT
no it wasn't
JUST TED dit
well basically the reason i stopped crying finally is because i'm sick of it and i've been waiting your answer since lunch today....and thats a long ass time ago and for like the first hour i was all doped up and depressed...but now i'm just kind of happy to know that it would be a loss to you if we didn't have each other or something
JUST TED dit
the first hour after lunch
JUST TED dit
k i'll just keep talking to myself
MARY POPPINS DIT
I can't believe it!!
JUST TED dit
well come over here and see me and see these friggin rags everywhere
MARY POPPINS DIT
So that wat u were trying to do make me feel bad so i would say to u how much I care about u...and I
MARY POPPINS DIT
would be all mad and stuff...well
JUST TED dit
i was so mad at you today i wanted you to come over just so i could tell you i didn't know you and i wanted you to leave
MARY POPPINS DIT
I'm really mad noe
MARY POPPINS DIT
well I'm sick of it right now...I'm JUST sick of it...
JUST TED dit
well basically everyone in this hall knows you're the only thing i think about and everytime i tell someone how i'm so sick of it and how i don't understand why or anything, they tell me your just a bitch and to stay away from girls like you, but i don't want to believe your like they say, so i'm sorry for standing by someone who i thought was a friend.
JUST TED dit
They tell me i'll just get hurt more and maybe i have
JUST TED dit
but i don't know what i'm saying anymore, have fun with your studies.
MARY POPPINS DIT
ur just an asshole I don't want to talk to u anymore if that's what u say bye
JUST TED dit
you're not talking all you keep saying is i'm sick of it and i want to end this conversation...i'm just talking to a wall here okay
JUST TED dit
maybe you change your name to Mary Poppins Talk To The Hand or something
MARY POPPINS DIT
I feel pity for u right now...
JUST TED dit
yeah that was pretty lame huh?
MARY POPPINS DIT
u think that by hurting me u'll feel better but u won't
JUST TED dit
i'm not trying to hurt you
JUST TED dit
I"M TRYING TO MAKE U SPEAK
MARY POPPINS DIT
speak about what?
JUST TED dit
say something say something anything at all maybe you should listen to that song
MARY POPPINS DIT
I don't want to talk to you...not anymore
JUST TED dit
you sound a lot like i did
MARY POPPINS DIT
I mdon't want us to be friends anymore
MARY POPPINS DIT
u just did the worst thing u could ever do
JUST TED dit
i love you.....i would never want to hurt you....but you hurt me a lot....and i'm sorry...i'm really sorry okay.. you said something in the bus about somethings more important than money and i realized that the life i had planned for myself in that conversatin about money, marriage, and the future was nothing without you....thats what i wanted to tell you online...but i haven't had you alone to do
JUST TED dit
good night
JUST TED dit
not online....thats what i wanted to tell u the other day
JUST TED dit
but yeah
MARY POPPINS DIT
there's no good night there's nothing...I'm gonna bitch once again just to please u dear ha;ll mates...
JUST TED dit
i don't know what you're talking about
MARY POPPINS DIT
well read what u said a couple of lones befotre
JUST TED dit
i just did
MARY POPPINS DIT
what don't u understandd?
JUST TED dit
i told you i stick by my friends even though people tell me not to
MARY POPPINS DIT
who are they? what do they know about me?
JUST TED dit
they know that they can never talk to me anymore because i'm always talking to you
JUST TED dit
they know that you're in here a lot, they know we hooked up a couple times and that we dated a couple times...people have eyes you know...i have a roommate he's up there all the time he opens his big mouth once and the whole world knows...i don't actually tell people much cause i hate all those nosy people
MARY POPPINS DIT
well they're hypocrites and I'm never gonna go to ur fucking hall again coz there's nobody who's worth it there
JUST TED dit
i do tell people when we broke up because i just didn't understand how it could happen
JUST TED dit
what more can i ever say i've said it all but it doesn't ever mean anything. je t'aime, je ne comprend rien, tu comprends francais peut-etre, je t'aime, c pas trop chelou d'ide n'est pas. i keep trying to say something powerful...but i've said it all.
MARY POPPINS DIT
Do u realise what u said before? Do u realise how it hurts and how it was totally useless? Do u know how u've been hurting me on purpose and how I can't act like u didn't say anything...and smile to these people or even talk to them normally
JUST TED dit
i'm just trying to tell you the truth, the people i was talking about well it wasn't rishi, nan, or ian i guess
JUST TED dit
what i said before?
JUST TED dit
i said a lot of things
JUST TED dit
but unlike you i want to make things right
JUST TED dit
i'm sorry but you stole my heart, and since then i can't seem to think straight anymore
MARY POPPINS DIT
so if it wan't the people ur friend with then it's just random people in the hall??????
MARY POPPINS DIT
And I want to make things right I just mad right now....I'm just really hurt
MARY POPPINS DIT
because u said this to hurt me and don't tell me u didn
MARY POPPINS DIT
't
JUST TED dit
i don't like being a tattle tale okay...i'm just trying to say that you're going to lose someone who has stronger feeling for you than anyone you'll ever meet...and maybe thats ambitious..but i'm ambitious
JUST TED dit
i didn't say it to hurt you i never expected it to hurt you....but i guess it backfired
JUST TED dit
hard
JUST TED dit
i just wanted you to know that i felt strongly about you
MARY POPPINS DIT
Well I don't want to be like complaining and playing the victim but u can ask rosa what u said did to me!
MARY POPPINS DIT
But I already know it
JUST TED dit
did u know it today in dhall...it sure didn't seem like it
MARY POPPINS DIT
And I feel strongly about you but differently and this is never gonna lead us to something concrete\JUST TED dit
never...
MARY POPPINS DIT
and we have to do something coz it's just gonna keep huerting us both
MARY POPPINS DIT
well after two times don't u think there is something?
MARY POPPINS DIT
I mean it doesnt work
JUST TED dit
yeah i thought there was something
MARY POPPINS DIT
nol
MARY POPPINS DIT
no
JUST TED dit
so what made it right for the moment the first time
MARY POPPINS DIT
I mean there was a little thing but not anymore...
MARY POPPINS DIT
i'm sorry to talk about it once more but who are the people u were talking about coz now u've talked aboout it u can't not tell me
JUST TED dit
well i want to know what that 'thing' was
JUST TED dit
ramy, alejandro, some other people in ramy's room
MARY POPPINS DIT
some other people? Who the hell is it?
JUST TED dit
just other people that heard ramy bitching about you
MARY POPPINS DIT
like?
JUST TED dit
i didn't know them
MARY POPPINS DIT
GREAT!!! SO people u don;t know and who probably don't know me are bitching about me???
JUST TED dit
well they didn't know u either
JUST TED dit
they're just like "yeah girls like that suck you have to watch out"
MARY POPPINS DIT
this is ridiculous
JUST TED dit
so u didn't finish what u were saying?
JUST TED dit
there was a little thing?
MARY POPPINS DIT
tell ramy that HIS girlfriend is the worst bitch ever and that he should watch out what he's saying..Tell him to use his brain..it won't hurt him..I promise and Alejandro as usual is following Ramy...!!
JUST TED dit
i don't talk to ramy he's not a friend
MARY POPPINS DIT
sure
JUST TED dit
he's just this ass guy who comes in my room and takes my bowls
JUST TED dit
and spoons and forks and food and
MARY POPPINS DIT
well how can he talk about me then?
JUST TED dit
just about anything else his hands can find
JUST TED dit
cause alejandro told them how we broke up again and i was in there room at the same time
JUST TED dit
okay i don't want to talk anymore
JUST TED dit
you made me depressed again…

Boys Don't Cry by Cure

I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this summer
I've said too much
Been too unkind
I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do
So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Cause boys don't cry
Boys don`t cry
I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away
Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more
Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

12/5/2002 – I Can’t Get Mad at You

i was writing you a big hate mail before, but i'm not like that, i'm not like you, i don't want to be mean to people just because i'm in a bad mood, i don't want to be nice to certain people and mean to others, and i really want to be mean as you can see it's hard not to...i don't know what to say but i don't want to see you, cause theres not point if your not going to be nice.you make me cry a lot...i don't know why you have to be mean all the time.

12/6/2002 – Marie After a Big Fight

TitePumpkin: hey
TitePumpkin: I can't stop thinking about this conversation..it's the first time since I've been there that I cry. . .
TitePumpkin: now I'm playing the victim
TitePumpkin: sorry
TitePumpkin: and u probably don't want to talk. . .so bye
t b e a r inside: hi
t b e a r inside: was on the phone with austin
t b e a r inside: and writing u an email
t b e a r inside: about how empty i feel and alone and i dunno
t b e a r inside: you're crying?
TitePumpkin: no not now..during the conversation. . .but I had to contain myself
t b e a r inside: oh
t b e a r inside: that was me who just called
TitePumpkin: oh
TitePumpkin: why did u hang up
t b e a r inside: i'll finish that email and send it i guess
t b e a r inside: cause u messaged me
t b e a r inside: i thought u had left cause u said bye
t b e a r inside: so i was gonna get rosa if she was still up to get you
t b e a r inside: and alejandro's here so i can't really talk freely
TitePumpkin: why is he reading ?
t b e a r inside: eating
TitePumpkin: i meant is he reading the conversation?
t b e a r inside: no
t b e a r inside: u know how far apart are things are
TitePumpkin: ok
t b e a r inside: what do you want to talk about
TitePumpkin: nothing in particular
TitePumpkin: I just feel really angry and disappointed right now and I don't know how I should react to what I've learned about alejandro &cie
t b e a r inside: cie?
TitePumpkin: co
t b e a r inside: oh
TitePumpkin: in french
TitePumpkin: it's like alejandro and the othersw
t b e a r inside: yeah
TitePumpkin: brb
TitePumpkin: well actually i'm not
t b e a r inside: i dunno, i think he likes you you know, you as a friend, but
t b e a r inside: i dunno i guess he was trying to get me to stop thinking of you or something
TitePumpkin: i would have never said anything wrong about him and i would have defended him if someone was saying crap mabout him
t b e a r inside: so talk to him about it
TitePumpkin: I don't kniow if I should I mean I don't have to justify myself. . .and he'a not worth it
t b e a r inside: he could use a good yelling at from someone
TitePumpkin: just read ur e-mail. . .
TitePumpkin: what?
t b e a r inside: what?
TitePumpkin: I juts read ur e-mail. . .then I was asking u about the line before
t b e a r inside: oh
t b e a r inside: just read it
t b e a r inside: he's become so lawless
TitePumpkin: what does lawless mean?
t b e a r inside: like he has now boundaries for his idiocy and weak mind
TitePumpkin: well it means what it means I guess. . ..oh yeah
t b e a r inside: he's a bigtime follower thats why i think he said those things probably ramy rubbing off on him
TitePumpkin: yeah he's a follower
t b e a r inside: weed, mushrooms, extacy,
t b e a r inside: whats next
TitePumpkin: heroin??
t b e a r inside: thats a little crazy
TitePumpkin: no
t b e a r inside: but if i had a syringe and left it on the table i woldn't be surprised if he tried it
TitePumpkin: never mind
TitePumpkin: yeah
t b e a r inside: i'm sick of talking shit about everyone marie
TitePumpkin: I'm so disappointed
TitePumpkin: ok
t b e a r inside: what you doing tomorrow?
TitePumpkin: clASS
t b e a r inside: projects are done though?
TitePumpkin: nope
TitePumpkin: paper
t b e a r inside: German?
TitePumpkin: 15 pages
t b e a r inside: oh yeah
t b e a r inside: taht
t b e a r inside: due tomorrow?
TitePumpkin: yeah..THAT!!!!
TitePumpkin: no monday
t b e a r inside: oh
t b e a r inside: well fifteen pages is just 7 and a half pages in my book
TitePumpkin: lol..it's still a LOT!!!
t b e a r inside: but its still alot
t b e a r inside: hehe
TitePumpkin: I'm glad there is a break
t b e a r inside: how's the research coming? or isn't it?
TitePumpkin: I mean that it's christmas
t b e a r inside: its no break its the weekend
t b e a r inside: oh
TitePumpkin: WE need it
t b e a r inside: yeah
t b e a r inside: did u get that other email?
TitePumpkin: I'm sick of Richmond
t b e a r inside: richmond.edu maybe
TitePumpkin: with ur tel numbers?
t b e a r inside: yeah
t b e a r inside: were yours all right?
TitePumpkin: how did u get my adress and stuff?
t b e a r inside: phone book
TitePumpkin: where?
t b e a r inside: phone book
TitePumpkin: I can read thanks
t b e a r inside: well u said where?
TitePumpkin: but which phone book?
t b e a r inside: richmond phone book
t b e a r inside: UR student phone book
TitePumpkin: Oh..why do they give ur adress? I mean I don't want the people to get my adress
t b e a r inside: what people?
t b e a r inside: who is going to think to look there
TitePumpkin: people in general. . .well everybody has the phone book I guess. . .
t b e a r inside: i only did cause i remembered that someone had told me to keep the freshman one cause of the international addresses
t b e a r inside: nobody uses the phone book though
t b e a r inside: everyone uses the richmond search thing
TitePumpkin: anyway
TitePumpkin: so u think u'll write to me or what?
t b e a r inside: anyway did u listen to any of those songs
TitePumpkin: yu[
t b e a r inside: yeah i'll send u a postcard
TitePumpkin: a postcard?
t b e a r inside: haha
t b e a r inside: i want to
t b e a r inside: but right now i've got some depressing thoughts from tonight and i'm just feeling kind of empty
TitePumpkin: I wish we never had this conversation
t b e a r inside: yeah i'm getting that feeling too
TitePumpkin: and u know what? I diiidn't save it. . .=-O
t b e a r inside: i did
TitePumpkin: oh
TitePumpkin: brb
t b e a r inside: well for me it was good we had this conversation better before break then after, now i maybe i'll sleep at night without thinking of you and i won't wake up anymore thinking of you..all i really hope is that it doesn't happen more now that i know nothing's ever going to happen
t b e a r inside: there was always some hope. . ..this reminds me a lot of the day after kelly
t b e a r inside: i think you said it could never happen then too
t b e a r inside: but this time i don't know if i even want to just hook up with you anymore, as i thought might happen
t b e a r inside: wow. . ..i should revisit my charlie story. . .i could right some really depressing stuff in this frame of mind
t b e a r inside: write
t b e a r inside: well now you're going to have to quit smoking if you're not going to come here anymore
TitePumpkin: well I didn't smoke this week. . .
t b e a r inside: are u planning something?
t b e a r inside: can u smoke at home?
TitePumpkin: what u said about not wanting to hook up with me anymore etc. . .that hurts a little. . .but I'm not trying to say anything
TitePumpkin: no
t b e a r inside: i'd like it to happen, its fun, but i'm really hurting right now
TitePumpkin: u want what to happen?
t b e a r inside: i'd think twice about doing it now
TitePumpkin: what?
t b e a r inside: hooking up
TitePumpkin: how?
t b e a r inside: making out
TitePumpkin: yeah but did u just think about it or did u think to do it today?
t b e a r inside: to do what?
TitePumpkin: to hook up!
t b e a r inside: i'm thinking that if i was ever with you at a party and we were both drunk i hope i 'd think twice about hooking up with you
t b e a r inside: did i think to do it today?
t b e a r inside: how?
TitePumpkin: ok I just didn't get what u said
TitePumpkin: but now i got it
TitePumpkin: I'd never hook up with u again. . .I'm not stupid to do it again
t b e a r inside: so what were u saying?
TitePumpkin: didn't say anything
t b e a r inside: what hurts?
TitePumpkin: what u said
t b e a r inside: i don't understand
TitePumpkin: t b e a r inside: but this time i don't know if i even want to just hook up with you anymore, as i thought might happen
TitePumpkin: but forget about nit
t b e a r inside: oh
t b e a r inside: i lost something tonight
t b e a r inside: but i don't know what it is
TitePumpkin: me too
t b e a r inside: can u tell me
TitePumpkin: i don't know if i can. . ..I'm just feel like something's gone and it's changed all illusions of I don't know
t b e a r inside: yeah
TitePumpkin: yeah?
TitePumpkin: that's it?
t b e a r inside: what have you been thinking about the most?
TitePumpkin: be more specific
t b e a r inside: whats do you keep thinking about?
TitePumpkin: now. . .well I feel tired about it. . .i feel frustration disappointment and I've been thinking mostly that I've wished that there would something for us but now I realise it's the end of something. . .and it's sad but it's for the best I guess
TitePumpkin: I've been thinking that I like u but that is not enough
t b e a r inside: i feel like i'm drunk. . ..if all those things you said are true then wow
t b e a r inside: i want to say i'll always be waiting for you
t b e a r inside: but
t b e a r inside: you're only going to be here another semester
TitePumpkin: well that's what u say now but it won't last
t b e a r inside: and everyday that goes by that we're not together i'm more depressed
TitePumpkin: yeah when i'll be gone things will be different and I hope they would have already been different
t b e a r inside: i know but before tonight i thought it would last
t b e a r inside: i'll come for you
t b e a r inside: I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!=-O
TitePumpkin: no don't say that
t b e a r inside: i will
TitePumpkin: yeah
TitePumpkin: no u won't
t b e a r inside: the worlds too small
TitePumpkin: in 2 years u'll have forgotten about marie
TitePumpkin: I mean about who marie is
t b e a r inside: in two years
t b e a r inside: yeah
t b e a r inside: keep dreaming
TitePumpkin: well I'm trying
t b e a r inside: my dad proposed to my mom at the Rockefeller center in New York over thanksgiving, when she was a sophmore. . ...
t b e a r inside: she said no
t b e a r inside: two years later they were married
t b e a r inside: they had only known each other a couple months
TitePumpkin: but u didn't propose me at the rockefeller center and it's two to get married when ur a senior or after graduating
TitePumpkin: too young
TitePumpkin: sorry
t b e a r inside: who?
t b e a r inside: you?
TitePumpkin: it doesn't make any sense
TitePumpkin: forget it
t b e a r inside: i'm not asking you to marry me now
t b e a r inside: i mean i'm demanding lol
TitePumpkin: what?
t b e a r inside: but i was hinting at it
TitePumpkin: what?
t b e a r inside: :-P
TitePumpkin: funny
TitePumpkin: teddy is a funny guy
t b e a r inside: okay i got it the first time
TitePumpkin: :-[
TitePumpkin: ted it's not healthy to have all these conversations on internet
t b e a r inside: i know
t b e a r inside: i told u to come over
TitePumpkin: wh
TitePumpkin: en?
t b e a r inside: but u don't listen
TitePumpkin: sure
t b e a r inside: like three hours ago
t b e a r inside: the very beginning of the conversation i told u to come over and make things right
TitePumpkin: oh
TitePumpkin: I was in pjs
TitePumpkin: I wouldn't have come
TitePumpkin: ted
t b e a r inside: you're a weird girl. . ..you break things off completely and then u come back and give me this hope that somethings possible. . .like after kelly. . .well i'll come for you one day as i said. . .
t b e a r inside: yeah?
TitePumpkin: I didn't give u any hope here
t b e a r inside: yeah

12/6/2002 - Loin Des Yeux Loin du Coeur

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hands

Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind

Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let's do some living after we die

Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day

Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day
Rolling Stones, Wild Horses, (Performed Live by the Indigo Girls)

Marie says:
is she speaking english? she has a strange accent?
Marie says:
wild horses
Ted says:
yeh
Ted says:
its like the cranberries ladies voice. . ..or not. . .maybe kind of
Marie says:
I know but. . .it 's weird
Ted says:
yeah, you're wierd..but nobody mentions anything about it. . ..
Ted says:
except me
Marie says:
ok I see that u have better to do. . .adieu but I have one more question
Marie says:
not me
Ted says:
you don't?
Marie says:
the singer's voice
Ted says:
i thought u had a question?
Marie says:
Ted dit :
i just hope we'll always be friends. . .why?
Ted says:
well if nothing else
Ted says:
i dunno friends come and go
Ted says:
i don't want it to be like that
Ted says:

Marie says:
oh. . .but after this year we'll maybe never see each other again. . .so . . .well I hope not but it's not like next door
Ted says:
i know
Marie says:
??
Ted says:
i'm not going to be a poor bastard my whole life u kno
Ted says:
i'll visit and stuff like that
Ted says:
anyways consider spring break in california
Marie says:
I know. . .I'll visit rosa and pass by your room. . .poor?? lol. . .
Ted says:
long way a way but not so far
Ted says:
lol
Marie says:
loin des yeux loin du coeur
Marie says:
looking for the words?
Ted says:
no
Ted says:
i know what those words mean
Ted says:
i was kicking rishi's ass
Ted says:
far from the eyes far from the heart
Ted says:
i edit it to
Ted says:
:
Marie says:
I know. . .u're a genius
Ted says:
Loin des yeux, mais pas loin du coeur
Marie says:
u're too good for me
Ted says:
jamais sont lont du coeur
Ted says:

Ted says:
loin
Marie says:
loin des yeux loin du coeur est un proverbe bien menteur parce que malgre la distance c a toi que je penses
Marie says:
je pense. . .sans s
Ted says:
malgre c quoi?
Ted says:
bad the distance
Marie says:
now ur looking 4 the words!!
Ted says:
well mentioned, its easy to decode
Ted says:
malgre la distance c a toi que je penses

Ted says:
ca veut dire quoi>?
Marie says:
despite the distance..i only think of u
Ted says:
oh
Ted says:
yeah i guess thats what i was thinking

12/6/2002 – Long Crying Email

that cry thing was like "here's looking at you kid" from Casablanca (film), and its true I was on the verge of crying outside I guess, but I wanted you to know that I could I had the guts to actually tell u how I felt, because its so cheesy saying all those things on instant message, I wanted you to know it was real. . .and its still real for me. . .I’ll see how long I can go over Christmas without thinking about you, cause right now I can't imagine very long, cause working late in the store, there's a lot of free time, I wrote a song yesterday kinda poem it had a good tune I think, some of the words are lame I guess like I didn't like that first one I sent u it was pretty cheesy, I don't usually write such cheese ball lovy dovy nonsense in poems and Alejandro's old roommate ed used to tell me how he got depressed and would write these cheesy poems and I never thought I’d be like that, but now that I’m thinking of it. . .lol. . ..all these songs I listen to they're all depressing but they keep me going I guess. . .if these people felt the same way and didn't give up on life and wrote a song about it you know then I guess I can try. I don't know how I’m going to work now. . .I couldn't sleep last night. . .I mean I slept for like 5 hours and then from 8 until 11 I got up a bunch of times to see if you had written anything or if you were up and feeling the same way. . .I was hoping I guess. . ..I’m always hoping for something. I wish I could just write without all these damn ". . ." things lol, but I’m writing and then I just stop and think about what I’m saying and think about what’s happened. . .and how I’ve actually can't wait to get to California and go to church, I need some direction in life now. . .I mean I don't know what I expected you to say, but I never expected us to date for under a month, let alone a couple weeks and yesterday. . .it almost seemed like we had been dating and we didn't even know it. . .maybe its my fault I make it seem that way. . .and I really do feel those things I said and wrote. . .I just hope its not like with Karim where four months went by and you realize you loved him or something. . .I’d love for it to happen but we're only going to be in school for another four months, I guess you're right, you're too young or something, I don't know what that meant am I too old but I really do keep digging myself deeper every time, but when I’m with you even when I was outside today, I see you smile. . .I see you standing somewhere. . .I’m sorry I’m only hurting myself here I guess huh. . .I guess life's not all far from the madding crowd. . .but he's right you don't know how much damage u do. . .and I want to clarify some things from some things I’ve said in the past: I said I fell in love with you and all these things I never seen before in a girl, well I always thought I wanted some hot girl who was just a slut with big tits blond hair, like some porn start I guess (Jeter hall kids watch way too much porn. . .but Ted hasn't watched much since he met you :-P anyways I know u think its gross and it is). . .but what I’m trying to say is I met you and you don't have big tits, your small, your not a slut, you're not hot (to me if you're hot then you're a slut), your cute and petite and have the most timid smile and a fine ass (I mean a really fine ass, which I only noticed recently) wicked nice hair. . .I don't know how any guy can be your friend and not want more, but maybe they just accept that you're way out of their league. . .selective memory she says remember the good times forget the bad ones, but its all bad now, you wanted to know what I was feeling, I was feeling how standing out there with you was the hardest thing I ever did I told myself I’d do it last night while I was trying to sleep . . .I thought it over million times all the things to say. . .and when I was out with you in New York and Connecticut I kept my hands to myself and all I ever thought about was us together. I don't know what happened, I used to think that I controlled my life. . .but now I have no control over it. . .I thought I was done with this crying business, I wish you hadn't signed off, I wish you'd just call when you want to say hi or ask something. . .I told myself I’d tell you that when you're ready to make a commitment to come and find me, I’m sorry but I keep asking why, I just don't understand your feelings, cause I know they were stronger than a friend, I had you in my room, sober a number of times. . ..fuck I’m sorry. . .I can't make you do anything. . .I want to I really want to just manhandle you like some guy kissing a women who's insistent that she doesn't like the guy in some old black and white film and then in that moment realizes her true feelings, but I'm not an ape, I'm a man, and I need to do some work, cause exams don't get any farther only closer and closer. I love you to death and I guess u knowing that makes it hard for you to be around me and I understand and maybe I’ll forget all about you someday, but I hope its not so, and I don't think you hope that. . .at least I hope not. . .I don't even remember half the things I said in this email. . .but get online so I can send u another song. I keep repeating myself. . .but that thing I said in the conversation last night about money, marriage, and life that’s what I was talking about when I felt I didn't get a reaction, but your feelings aren't strong, I know, but it just doesn't mean anything to me I guess. . .just as my feelings don't mean enough to u, I really should go. . ..but I really will always be waiting for you. . .ha. . .I think. . .but always is along time. . .call me later I guess. . .don't worry I won't talk about this stuff later cause I’ve already forgotten most of it, but I’ll save it and read it again sometime when I’m missing you. . .and joke about how pathetic I was.