Letter's For Marie

Too Many Nights
It’s been too many nights with
To now suddenly be without
~Jewel

Their relationship consisted
In discussing if it existed
~Thom Glunn

No sooner met but they looked;
No sooner looked but they loved;
No sooner loved but they sighed;
No sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason;
No sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy.
~William Shakespeare -

Ξ Introduction

I remember.
Long brown hair down her back. Pretty little thing. Petite in size and shape. I recall when I could see her through my own window. Reaching for her desk, she pulls up a pink piece of elastic. Holding the hair tie awkwardly in her left hand, she pushes back the hair by her ears and holds it tight in her right hand. Extending her left index finger and thumb she pushes the hair through the pink tie again and again, winding it tightly around her hair. Pacing about her dorm room, talking on the phone. She opens her closet with her free hand and rummages through some hangers and pulls out a red and black top. Holding it up to her chest, a frown appears. She throws it on her bed, waving her hands about angrily. Claire tries to console her about what outfit to wear. A confused look crosses her face, and suddenly turns into an overjoyed smile.
“Mais non, c’est impossible!”
“Ben, oui! C’est vraiment jolie!”
“Tu penses?”
“Je sais.”
Claire’s solace has, yet again, helped her decide what to wear. She puts the blouse back up to her bosom and slowly, but surely, a smile appears. She hangs it up on her door and moves to the computer to change the background image to reflect her improved outlook for the night’s mec[1] hunt. She browses through her small list of friends on both of her messenger programs and drops me a line with a new font I haven’t seen before: a purple background with green type. With another click of the mouse Winamp appears and she double clicks the first song on the playlist: Lorna Valings – Taste.
If I could have just a moment of you
Would I be wanting more?
If I could have just a taste of you
Would I be addicted?
If I could have just a touch of you
Could I tear myself away?
She takes out the hair tie and shakes her head about, letting the hair fall down around her shoulders. Her hair is long, but very thin. It looks as though she has never had a problem using anything but a comb to keep it straight. She sits in a red plastic desk chair, standard to most dorms, equipped with four uneven legs. Everything she owns is lying about her little wooden desk: laptop, matches, and a table lamp. A pink lighted mirror I bought her rests, unemployed, next to a small red pouch that apparently doubles as a purse, though it is only big enough for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. A pair of coffee-colored Diesel shoes that look like they belong to a child and a pair of black and white puma trainers with Velcro straps she never buckles. She moves to her right to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of Boon’s. She closes the door and wanders back to her closet. With her back to me, she takes a swig of the Boon’s, wipes the excess off her lips, and gulps down the rest.
She’s a very smelly girl, but in a devilish sort of way. No matter how often she washes her clothes and no matter how little perfume she puts on during the day; she has always had a delicious and enticing smell. All of her clothes have been so often tainted in her Tommy or Clinique perfume that even on days when she claimed not to be wearing any, I could still find her in the library by inhaling the library aroma and searching for the sweet-smelling scent.
Suddenly and spontaneously, she picks up her red pouch, runs to the door, checks that the button is pushed in on the side, not to lock herself out and then runs down the hallway to the right. My eyes follow her narrow baggy jeans through neighboring windows, until I see her walking swiftly to the staircase. She walks very elegantly, one foot exactly in front of the other, without even thinking about it; sometimes she looks like she’s sailing across the carpet. She clip-clops down the staircase, not skipping any steps, but still moving fast for a girl of her petite size. At the entrance to Robins Hall, she sits on the cement stoop and takes out a cigarette.
I watch her still. The weight of memories long past hang painfully on my shoulders. She raises one of her short skinny arms to light the cigarette. And inhales.
“I don’t smoke when I’m at home,” she used to tell me.
“You shouldn’t smoke at all,” I’d reply.
“I’m not addicted, but it’s just nice.”
“There’s nothing nice about it!” I retort.
“No, not nice, but—.”
She has always been like this and I’ve come to expect these kinds of reactions. Either she never has a valid excuse or she just can’t get the words out. And when I tell her to say it in French she just ignores me, and giggles. She’s cute. She’s really cute. And she’s got a great smile.
She reaches into her puffy maroon jacket and pulls out two gray gloves, which she has conveniently forgotten to return to me, and pulls them onto her skinny fingers. The gloves sit oddly on her hands instead of gripping her hand tightly as they should. She grips her legs for added warmth and then releases them. She sits, hunched over, head leaning forward, like a crane.
“Why don’t you sit up straight?”
“What?” I say turning my head away from a video game. “Oh, uh, I dunno, I don’t really think about it. One can’t really know that they sit hunched unless someone tells them they do, and then its too much effort to constantly be conscious of how you sit, right?” She turns away and continues browsing for songs on my computer in the same hunched position that she accuses me of sitting in. I look at her, roll my eyes, and wonder who she thinks she is and how I ever go to know her (but that’s all history).
Actually, I know exactly how it happened; it’s my roommate’s fault. He got drunk one night in the very beginning of junior year and came back to the room to steal two bottles of wine from me to take to the room of a couple girls. What’s more is that he knew my mother had bought them for me less than a day ago after dropping me off at school for the commencement of the fall semester. Luckily, they knew he was drunk and locked him out and he was back in my room within fifteen minutes. He laid the two bottles of wine down on his chair, took off his shirt and threw it on the ground, jumped in bed and half way through taking off his pants and shoes passed out. All of this I watched from my bed, wondering if he was going to turn the lights out. When I finally saw that he didn’t look like he was budging I was about to ask him to turn them out, but then I realized I could already hear him snoring.
The following night they came around to my room to say hi to him and I was asleep when they knocked. I climbed out of bed, the room in darkness, and opened the door. I never saw my hair, but after eighteen years of waking up with my hair looking the way it does and winning an award on a school ski trip for best morning hair-do, I was pretty certain that it was going to look its’ usual monstrous self. The looks on the girls faces as I opened the door proved that they thought they had made a mistake and knocked on the wrong Alejandro Mattiuzzo’s door.
The ten seconds that I stood there at the edge of the door felt like an eternity. I looked outside into the blinding fluorescent light, and saw only two small colorless pure black shapes. Is black the color of virtue, if white is the color of light? Or can none of us be as virutous as the light.
“Oh, hi!” said one, clearly surprised at my countenance.
“Is Alejandro here?” said the other.
I looked at them trying to discern what I was seeing, too lazy to rub my eyes. I stood, half naked in my boxers, looming over them like a giant. Boxers covered with little red ants. I stepped back and finally massaged my head and smeared some life back into my face. I looked back into the room, which now seemed even darker than it had been before, the changing hues putting me in a doubly dire dilemma. Headache struck, like a pain rushing to my forehead screeching to a stop at the tip of the skull. I shook.
“We can come back another time,” one chimed in.
“AWWWHHHHNNNNNNNNN!” I yawned aloud. “Yeah, let me, um, uh, give me a sec.” I scratched my back briefly and straightened myself out, and then stretched my arms out over my head. I gave another loud yawning inhale and exhale and then leaned against the doorway. “Why don’t you come back at like ten or eleven, we might be hanging out now. I mean then. And I’m going to go back to sleep, so just give me a buzz at like ten and I’ll take a shower.”
“What’s your phone number?” Black shapes began to take form to my heavy dazed eyes. I realized I didn’t even know these people. Two strange looking little girls, who looked as if they might still be in high school.
“Um, nevermind, do I know you guys?”
“Mmm, wel, um, we met Aleandro, yur rummate at a parrrty ze osther night.” The one on the left says in a strong French accent.
“So I don’t know you, okay. Yeah, so, I’ll tell Alejandro you dropped by. Have you seen him today? I haven’t seen him all day.”
“Yeah we saw him todaaaaaay,” I look to the right, catching a glimpse of a puny little person with a screeching voice, adding a new degree of pain to the ache in my head. “We gave him our IMs, yeaaaaaah, there they arrrrrrrre.” The shorter one says in her chalkboard scratching voice. I follow her short arm to her stretched out index finger and look towards the desk. She’s pointing at a small blue post-it note on my roommate’s desk. She looks kind of cute and kind of putrid at the same time, but then again I just woke up, don’t have my glasses on, and my beleagured eyes are still just adjusting to the bright hallway. In fact, they both looked kind of emaciated and smallish. I began to wonder how drunk Alejandro had been when he met these two. And then I remembered that that he had fallen asleep with his pants still on his legs. I closed the door and navigated my way back to my bed, bumping into luggage still on the floor, someone’s shoes, and a chair, before falling back to sleep on my nice big long-bed in Jeter Hall room B114.
I can’t remember if we did anything that night, probably not, but as time goes by, nights seem to fade between each other. Some I remember. Most I don’t. Time blends, days mingle, years collide, and I’m lost in the middle of it all.
I do remember some things.
I remember a young man who had a hole in his soul.
I remember me.
I remember a young man who filled that hole with love.
I remember me.
I remember falling in love.
I remember crying.
I remember a part of me dying.
I do remember some things. Most of them painful.
I remember a young man depressed and crying himself to sleep.
I remember me.
Sometimes I still ask myself the unanswerable question…Why?
There were many nights between us, many odd nights. She would come over, to smoke and hang out, and she wouldn’t say much, but she kept saying she wasn’t bored. And we’d watch movies or listen to music, and I’d ask her questions, but she wouldn’t really answer them and I ended up telling her my life story. She is simple and to the point, at least in English, in french she doesn’t shut up, . She doesn’t say much, but when she does she says a whole lot in a few little words. And yet all the while I didn’t really understand why she was there, why she was there, why she was there, why was she there? But now I do know. I know that I’ll never understand.
Sometimes I reflect on our first night together, our first true kiss, and the words she used. I had been waiting for her to say yes for so long and it had finally come on Halloween night. I remember it vividly, only because we went out to dinner together and there were a few patrons curiously dressed up for the occasion. A Jack the Ripper type figure served us and a Freddy Krueger-toting bus boy cleared our tables. I had borrowed a friend’s Jetta whose dashboard lamps didn’t work and I had only had about an hour’s worth experience of driving manually. The car stalled about a dozen times, because I was still learning how to get the car in first gear. When I took her home, I thought it had to be the most terrible night of my life, and yet there was a brief, but both enduring and endearing, goodnight kiss reserved for me.
“Does this mean we’re dating?” she asked me.
“Do you want that?” I asked knowing full well of my own desires.
“Do you want?” she said in broken English.
“Of course I want.” I replied imitating her English. She gave me a lunging kiss and then ran off down her hallway to her room.
And that was that. She locked the door and went to sleep.
I, of course, stood there for a moment trying to figure out what had happened, what I had done right? But perhaps it’s not always about what is right and wrong; there is a well worn-out word for this situation: chemistry. Truly there was a sense of chemistry, no definitions of commonality or race or size or looks, it just was. There was a feeling, a wanting desire, filled with emotion. And still words cannot explain it. Call it love, but love is as definable and explainable as God. God, an all powerful being. But God is just a word to describe omnipotence of something intangible and of no texture. Love is the same. It’s an international language of emotion and chemical impulses or imbalances somewhere within the body. Was I in love? After one night? Yes, but it was not love that developed in one night, it was love that had developed through all the inexplicable nights with her sitting in my room for almost two months straight. I was in love, and that was all I knew.
The second night was the hardest night. She said things to me which I took to close to my heart. “I don’t know why I waited so long for this?” she said caressing the back of my head with one hand as she stood on her toes trying to kiss me.
“I know, you’re an idiot, that’s what I’m always telling you.”
“myeah,” she smiles, the Belgian version of yeah I guess you’re right.
In that moment, she’s special, she’s special to me, and nothing else matters. Time stops, all the problems in the world are meaningless, reality is a myth in the realm of love. But I’m drunk, and so is she. And as usual, she is far drunker than I, and in the morning we embrace and kiss again, and for me it’s the same feelings as the very first night we kissed and for her it’s a fear of relationship going back to prior boyfriends and prior hook-ups, or is it? I am not her I know her well, but I cannot speak of what I know not.
And sometimes the fog roles back over my hills, condensing against my window to the world. And once again I cry as I did many moons ago, but not so long. I sit and stare out my window, the window that has been given me through love and affection, the window that has been tainted by love and desire, a window blinded by endless reflections. Through the gigantic cobweb that spans my window, I yearn for things forgotten and one who made my life seem complete. And sometimes, I can’t even remember her name. Or maybe I just try to forget; the same way she has.
Marie.

October 8, 2002 - j'ai oublie quel que chose, exchanging emails

Marie:
Well when u say to a girl "je veux te caresser" eerybody thinks about the "sexual" definition, and not only me (the crazy girl or whatever I am!) But what was funny is that the way u said it meant more like u want to pad (?) a dog...donner une caresse a un chien ou un chat...mais pas trop a une personne...So what were u trying to say??
Ok see u...
Ted:
okay then entreinte? ca va ou pas...caresse c'est okay, mais j'ai oublie que tu es en dingue fille sexuale et tu a pense sur le definition sexuale de caresse, ben stikazzi, adios amigo.

First Recorded Marie Talk – 10/9/2002

Mary Poppins says:
ok..well..I don't know. . .I really like you. . .like spending some time with you..but I don't know if my feelings for you are "reciproques"
Mary Poppins says:
I'm sorry..I know that I shouldn't like give you hopes. . .it's not what I'm trying to do ..I really like talking to you and be with you. . .now I'm not sure it means. . .Does this make sense. . .or?
Mary Poppins says:
I forgot the "what" in the sentence what it means. . .
Ted says:
I like you no matter what
Mary Poppins says:
well still
Ted says:
but I mean we sit in the room for five minutes without saying anything and I can't tell whether you're bored or what
Mary Poppins says:
it's not an easy situation
Ted says:
I know
Ted says:
I think I have to start locking the door
Mary Poppins says:
I'm never bored
Mary Poppins says:
locking the door so I can't come in anymore??
Ted says:
No, so all those other pains can't walk in every five minutes
Mary Poppins says:
oh
Mary Poppins says:
I'm really sorry. . .I shouldn't have done that. . .I feel really bad now. . .
Ted says:
Done what?
Mary Poppins says:
Because there will always be this ambiguity
Mary Poppins says:
Like coming to your room and spend time with u. . .
Ted says:
yeah
Mary Poppins says:
what were u going to say?
Ted says:
I’m lost for words lol
Ted says:
that I can talk to girls that are my friends really well
Mary Poppins says:
you're the creative writer here
Ted says:
when I 'm not 'interested in them' so I can talk about anything
Mary Poppins says:
Just kidding
Mary Poppins says:
so u don't have anything to say to girls that you're attracted to or just can't find the right words
Ted says:
but the only things that come to my mind when I’m with you is kissing you
Ted says:
yeah
Ted says:
something like that
Ted says:
I’m just too afraid of rejection
Mary Poppins says:

Ted says:
yeah exactly
Mary Poppins says:
who's not afraid of rejection. . .
Mary Poppins says:
don't pay attention to what I just wrote
Ted says:
oh and I’ve never had a serious relationship with anyone when I wasn't intoxicated
Mary Poppins says:
what do u mean by intoxicated. . ..
Ted says:
so whenever I’m with you and sober, my conscience gets the better of me
Ted says:
drunk
Mary Poppins says:
and what do by serious relationship
Mary Poppins says:
you mean. . .sorry
Ted says:
making out, talking about anything, because when I’m drunk I can say anything and it doesn't matter, like that’s how I feel, or people feel in general
Mary Poppins says:
so u never really had a girlfriend like . . . u know
Ted says:
nope
Mary Poppins says:
oh
Ted says:
yeah, when I lived in Tokyo, all we did was go out on Fridays and Saturday and get drunk and hook up with Japanese girls
Mary Poppins says:
I see
Ted says:
and then the one girl who I had a fling with was like my best girl friend and she hooked up with one of my best friends
Mary Poppins says:
oh
Mary Poppins says:
nice friend
Ted says:
yeah, it wasn't his fault, she was obsessed with him
Ted says:
even when we went out for like a month
Mary Poppins says:
I was talking a bout her not him
Mary Poppins says:
she wasn't really a friend
Ted says:
yeah
Mary Poppins says:
brb. . .bathroom
Ted says:
no she's a good friend, I don’t know
Ted says:
we used to think we'd get married after college
Ted says:
we're pretty close
Mary Poppins says:
well she was obsessed with that guy. . .
Ted says:
have you ever had a good guy friend that you could tell anything and who you'd go out with on the weekends and he'd hook up with girls or whatever and yet he'd still always take care of you when you hooked up with the marines and he'd walk you home. . .well that was me
Ted says:
yeah but when she found out he didn't give a damn about her
Mary Poppins says:
yes but he's gay now
Ted says:
oh
Ted says:
I’m not talking about Alejandro
Ted says:

Mary Poppins says:
Alejandro?
Mary Poppins says:
I didn't get it
Ted says:
gay guy
Ted says:
friend of yours
Mary Poppins says:
oh
Mary Poppins says:
ok
Ted says:
don't worry about it
Mary Poppins says:
well I think you’re too nice
Mary Poppins says:
in that situation
Ted says:
so basically I really like you, every time I hear you speak I want to kiss you, but that doesn't mean stop talking, I love your voice and well there’s obviously a lot more to you then your voice but I mean I’m just rambling
Mary Poppins says:
I don't know . . . how can I judge I don't know her sorry
Ted says:
yeah just forget about it
Mary Poppins says:
I don't know what to answer
Mary Poppins says:
that's me right now
Ted says:
I don't expect an answer I just want you to know how I feel because I couldn't ever tell you face to face
Mary Poppins says:
well what's the point in telling someone u like her but not face to face. . .I don't know
Ted says:
well maybe sometime in the future when I’m not such a coward
Mary Poppins says:

Ted says:
I feel like I’m trying to convince you to marry me
Ted says:
do people do this?
Ted says:
is this usual?
Mary Poppins says:
marry you?
Ted says:
no I mean talking about all these things
Ted says:
you know what I mean you're just giving me a hard time,
Mary Poppins says:
well yes but maybe not on msn
Ted says:
yeah that’s what I meant
Ted says:
so I’m pathetic what can I say
Mary Poppins says:
no you’re not
Ted says:
I dunno its hard cause I have all these people asking me questions every single time you leave the room
Ted says:
just like when kelly was over
Mary Poppins says:
you're certainly better most of the stupid guys in your dorm
Ted says:
ted spends more than an hour with a girl and the whole world goes crazy
Mary Poppins says:
well I really thought there was something going on with her..and I thought I saw u taking her in your arms whaen u wrere in the room
Ted says:
I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek, cause she's a really good friend and she's like that to everyone and she bought me a 50 dollar birthday present
Mary Poppins says:
nice
Ted says:
I mean she knows more about me than anyone else at this school and I only met her this year
Ted says:
and same goes for you
Mary Poppins says:
I don't know much abou you
Ted says:
i've never had a girl come over and just hang out in my room for more than an hour just to be with me
Ted says:
i'm saying you know a lot more than anyone else at this school
Mary Poppins says:
come on don't say that kind of things
Mary Poppins says:
about you?
Ted says:
yeah
Mary Poppins says:
really?
Mary Poppins says:
I mean what about rishi..alejandro and the others
Ted says:
I’ve known Sweta for the last two years, she doesn't even know I have a dog and a cat
Ted says:
or that I like the Cranberries
Ted says:
I’m talking about girls
Mary Poppins says:
who is Sweta
Ted says:
the Indian girl I sat across from at D-Hall today
Mary Poppins says:
oh yeah
Mary Poppins says:
is that her name?
Ted says:
yup
Ted says:
see look at us we talk more in the last half hour than we did the three hours you were here
Ted says:
more than the combined last two days
Mary Poppins says:
I know. . .but u started the conversation
Ted says:
yeah
Ted says:
cause I want to know where we stand
Ted says:
I’m getting a better picture
Ted says:
but I guess I’ll just have to tell you face to face
Mary Poppins says:
I mean I think I could have this conversation right now but we just needed to "put it on the table"
Ted says:
yeah
Ted says:
you're absolutely right
Mary Poppins says:
I don't know what to do now. . .
Ted says:
I’m going to go hop in a shower you should go to bed and have sweet dreams, cause that’s what I’m going to do, tomorrows another day, though I think I’ll have to save this message so I can remember what I said and didn't say. . .if I didn't say anything

A Drunken Night – 10/11/2002 – 12:24 AM

marie
She's just the best!!! She's an amazing girl. . .What else could we say about her?? Well . . .a lot I guess..but she doesn't want to talk about it! mais si
elle voudrait vraiment parler .. but she's not going to do so! Coz she thinks she's too drunk! Fucked up! Yeah u know what I mean. . .and ted (Edward) doesn't know how to play guitar. . .Isn't it sad?? I know. . .Whatever as I said before I'm fucked up
tu es deprimee?
Non I've only been depressed the first week..now I'm just fine..and I love ur perfume..I think I'm just gonna steal it from u!! ;o) yes I do wear men's perfume so what? Pleeeeeeeeeeeasse stop playing guitar!! It gives me headache. . .thank you..arrete de te mettre du parfum ca me donne aussi mal a la tete..je ne sais plus taper sur le clavier.. g mis de la cendre. . .desolee
Si tu bouffes tes doritos tu vas puer de la gueule!!! G des chewing gums donc c pas trop grave..stop eating that junk food
.. donc je suis potable comme fille. . .merci c bon a savoir..J'aime cette chanson..je dois aller aux toilettes je reviens
J'ai croise Greg aux toilettes and he could tell I was wasted..Why do I look so wasted??? What?
Your shirt? I've been wearing ..and that I'm still wearing?
Don't make fun of me. . .retarded..yes u are..what if. . .I don't. . .no..guess. . .no clue? Come on don't talk in french please. . .fuck u. . .: o( maybe I DON'T KNOW. . .u 'RE JUST SO NICE. . .. dit ce que tu voudrais dire ou ne dit pas

c'est a toi de le decide..C dur..It's hard..right now I feel like. . .

but what about tomorrow..what will I feel like tomorrow..Rosa told me to be careful. . .not to do something I might regret. . .And I really don't want to hurt you..I like too much to hurt u . . .love that song. . .and I don't want to be like Alessandra.

c'est pas possible de tu compare avec elle

I mean like a bitch! I really like you a s a friend for sure I'm going to miss u so much next year..:o(
I'm thinking about transfering: ici?
of course, that would be amazing. . .like awesome?

..What do u think..Is it stupid? I really think my t-shirt is nice on u!! I want a hug!! Thank u for giving me a hug. . .je crois que je ne suis plus fucked up. . .I think I’m going to give u my shirt. . ...I don't know what else to say..What do u think right now?

10/11/2002 - 1:03 AM

je t'aime quoi d'autre tu veux moi dire?
dunno. . . nothing I guess
si tu te sens la meme c'est d'accord mais si tu aimes comment c'etait maintenant alors nous allons restes amis seulement.
mais je veux que tu es "mine" and me "yours"
. . .still too early I guess. . .I hate this situation..I felt like it before but now I'm stressed out..and what Rosa told me . . .I don't know. . .
I don't know it sounds like Rosa 's saying don't have sex or something but that’s not what I want. . .I didn't even think about it..
I wasn't talking about this..I know ur not that kind of person

ca c'est retarded lol

Can we "learn" to really like someone I mean like physical attraction (u know like this kind of chemistry. . .) or do we know right from the beginning what our feelings are??

10/12/2002 - 1:05 AM

10/12/2002 - 1:05 AM
I remember junior year of college, I came so close, so near to something so important to me, but it never came to be. I had wanted so much, I had wanted love I had wanted a relationship, I had wanted it all, but none of it did I get. I got a great friendship, but it is incomparable to what I wanted. I wanted friendship but so much more. I tried and tried to convince my new found companion to love me as I loved her, but it was to no avail. I watched as a great shadow past across my face every time is saw her. it was a shadow of pain and a shadow of empty love. Love I had wanted but would never have. I learned something important that when you fall in love, it doesn't matter what you feel alone, but it is very important that you know the other person's intentions and feelings as well and if they do not share the same feelings as you, you must acknowledge the fact and move on; hard as it may be. Hard as it was and has been my entire life I did move on, I always wondered what happened to my first love, the one true thing I thought I had in life. I remember that night we had talked. we were two immensely introverted people, yet I had become strangely attracted to her. Attracted to everything about her, attracted to her smell, attracted to her voice, attracted to everything about her, but one has to move on past these failures. Do they call them failures when you fall in love with someone and they don't feel the same way about you. I remember that night. I sat in the same room with her dreaming of what could be, what should be, and what might have been. I went to sleep that night, thought I felt as though I felt naked and lost. I knew not what was what and all I felt like doing was crying and I cried. It felt good, for the moment, but to this day I look back on that day and realize how terrible it all was for me. I knew how she felt, I knew what she wanted or didn't want, but is it what I wanted. I felt like did I stop to think about these things. Had I ever taken in her feelings? I cried that night, whether the tears flowed from me or within I can't remember but it was difficult, but people do face difficult times and one must move on. I sometimes wonder where all the time goes. What happened to life and living it to its fullest? Do people still think about these things. Did anyone know how I felt, I wondered what it felt like to come so close to something all my life and now it's all gone. . .

10/13/2002 - Marie Mail!!!

Hi!
I was hoping that I would get an e-mail from you... ;o) I miss you too.. And our drinking parties...
Well here everything is fine...No sniper yet...I just forgot my bag (not yours) with my passport and everything in the bus from the university to Richmond..but hopefully the Russian guy has really quick reflex and he stopped a car, got in and chased the bus....and came back with my bag!!! We were all very impressed!
Today we visited DC (for me it was like the 3rd time!) but it was nice...I like the people here...
Well I don't know if you'll get my e-mail before coming back...Anyway we'll see each other on Tuesday night for sure....
Marie

10/17/2002 – Outside Force

Mary Poppins says:
it was a joke
Ted says:
I know
Mary Poppins says:

Mary Poppins says:
so why did u leave
Ted says:
cause I’m sensitive like that
Ted says:
yeah so do u remember what u did to me last week
Mary Poppins says:
what?
Ted says:
tequila night
Mary Poppins says:
and. . .
Ted says:
pulling something
Mary Poppins says:
and what does it have to do with it?
Ted says:
pants
Ted says:
and a preposition: down
Mary Poppins says:
and ?
Ted says:
you pulling down my pants
Mary Poppins says:
what's the problem with the fact you’re sensitive and what were u sensitive about??
Ted says:
ohhhhhhhhhh now u remember
Ted says:
I’m not talking about that anymore
Ted says:
I’m talking about last week
Mary Poppins says:
I remembered right from the beginning. . .what's wrong with u?
Ted says:
tap tap tap
Ted says:
dance dance dance
Mary Poppins says:
?
Mary Poppins says:
?
Ted says:
do u or don't u remember pulling someone's pants down
Mary Poppins says:
?
Mary Poppins says:
yes I d
Mary Poppins says:
o
Ted says:
haha
Ted says:
oh
Ted says:
lol
Mary Poppins says:
so what?
Ted says:
that was so funny
Ted says:
that’s what
Mary Poppins says:
what are u trying to say?
Ted says:
nothing I’m just remembering the first time u were drunk
Ted says:
and how drunk you'll be this weekend
Mary Poppins says:
ok now stop it
Ted says:
eh?
Ted says:
parle en francais c plus jolie
Ted says:
. . .
Ted says:
okay well if you aren't going to respond
Mary Poppins says:
u said u were sensitive (what about?) and then u talk about ur pants?? Am I missing something?
Ted says:
no
Ted says:
u asked why did I sign off if I knew it was a joke
Ted says:
and I said because I’m sensitive
Ted says:
fini
Mary Poppins says:
please make it clearer for me
Mary Poppins says:
ok whatever
Ted says:
j'ai change le sujet
Ted says:
il y a de chose comme ca en belge?
Ted says:
Belgique
Mary Poppins says:
you’re just a weirdo
Ted says:
I know I’m difficult some times
Mary Poppins says:
so help me
Ted says:
well you were joking
Ted says:
and I’m almost always just joking, so I wanted to see how u reacted if I hadn't taken your joke so lightly
Ted says:
does that make sense
Mary Poppins says:
yes but no
Mary Poppins says:
you’re weird
Mary Poppins says:

Ted says:
well u don't have to tell me things I already know
Ted says:
I’ve gotten that many times before
Mary Poppins says:
but I guess we all like u like that
Ted says:
I like to think of myself as unique and special
Ted says:
like a special head case
Ted says:
but its weird cause I can't figure out why I like u
Mary Poppins says:
Rosa thinks that ur magazine is so gross
Ted says:
there's just some outside force
Ted says:
I’m totally unaware of
Mary Poppins says:
thank u that's a nice thing to say
Mary Poppins says:
U don't have anything but I like u. . .don't know why
Mary Poppins says:
that's what you’re trying to say?
Mary Poppins says:
if the answer is yes. . .don't answer
Ted says:
I’ve been after something my entire life, and none of the things I thought were important do I find in you, all the things I didn't care about so much I care about more
Mary Poppins says:
like what?
Ted says:
I don't know what they are
Ted says:
I just feel like something’s upside down
Ted says:
like my whole perspective just took a 180
Mary Poppins says:
So all the things u thought were important u don't find them in me??
Mary Poppins says:
what kind of things? help me please
Ted says:
and in answer to "u don't have anything but I like you" no u have a lot that I had never even noticed in anyone before and I love all those features. . .even though I can't pinpoint them down to words
Mary Poppins says:
I wish u could tell what are these things coz I'm still trying to find out about them
Ted says:
okay here
Ted says:
when I first saw u
Ted says:
like months ago
Ted says:
I was like whatever here’s some random girl
Ted says:
and then u changed from random girl I don't know to cute French Dutch Belgian sensitive hot funny giggly super cool random girl hehe
Ted says:
its like once u get to no someone even a bit, your feelings of them had u just kept walking through life the first time u had a chance to talk to them, u would have kept looking at them with that same opinion
Ted says:
but now its all changed and shaped by everything, thought small and short, and every bit of time I’ve spent with you
Ted says:
but yeah I just feel drawn by something that’s not of my own free will
Ted says:
yeah so. . .
Ted says:
I should get back to work
Ted says:
I probably won't be here for a few minutes so u can respond and I’ll get ur message later
Mary Poppins says:
but yeah I just feel drawn by something that’s not of my own free will. . .what do u mean??

Mary Poppins says:
I know what ur talking about I mean it's always like that. . .first time I saw u..I was like who's that guy in underwear. . ..the same for Alejandro I really thought he was like a poor ,drunk guy that lost his keys or something. . .but now it all changed
Mary Poppins says:
Did Alejandro tell u that we talked on Thursday night after u went to bed?? Yes I guess he did. . .
Mary Poppins says:
I'm scared of a getting in a real relationship
Mary Poppins says:
I guess I've never had one except from that guy but he was living in Paris. . .and the thing is I'm very shy
Mary Poppins says:
scared and everything..and I think too much
Mary Poppins says:
well I think I'm a desperate case
Mary Poppins says:
Ok I hope you’ll answer . . .I mean later. . .
Mary Poppins says:
lol
Mary Poppins says:
he really didn't tell u?
Mary Poppins says:
come on
Mary Poppins says:
I think I kind of feel the same about you. . .
Mary Poppins says:
I mean there are things in you (can't tell u what exactly) that I really like. . .and I don't know why I like u more than some other guys. . .I guess that's what Rosa would call "chemistry"
Mary Poppins says:
ok I'm going to read a little bit and go to sleep. . .
Mary Poppins says:
well I'm going to bed now. . ..good night

10/19/2002 – Marie What’s In a Relationship

10/19/2002 – Marie What’s In a Relationship
Mary Poppins says:
First of all thank you so much for the present
Ted says:
de rien
Mary Poppins says:
I really appreciate it
Mary Poppins says:
I really didn't diserve it. . ..
Ted says:
deserve
Mary Poppins says:
oops
Ted says:
heh
Mary Poppins says:
I don't know what to say about the kiss
Ted says:
well then don't say anything
Mary Poppins says:
well. . .I have to say something I'm not going to let u wait forever
Mary Poppins says:
u just wrote something but u didn't send it ..what was it?
Ted says:
I’m waiting to hear what u have to say
Ted says:
but I was going to say something
Mary Poppins says:
what?
Ted says:
well you waited behind just now outside, but I don't want to pull you into something that I want, that you don't also want
Mary Poppins says:
Ok. . .I am a very complicated and undecided person. . .and I feel like I'll never make a decision by myself . . . so. . .
Ted says:
so do I have to make it for you???
Mary Poppins says:
I don't know. . .I think that I'm maybe not the right girl. . .
Ted says:
what do u want in a relationship
Mary Poppins says:
well.. a lot of things I guess
Mary Poppins says:
what do u mean exactly?
Mary Poppins says:
don't ask my roommate please..it
Mary Poppins says:
has nothing to do with her
Ted says:
caught
Mary Poppins says:
or if u want to solve the problem with her ok but don't do it behind my back
Ted says:
do you want to be swept off you feet?
Mary Poppins says:
well it doesn't make any sense what I've just said but
Ted says:
not literally
Mary Poppins says:
don't put Rosa in the middle of this
Ted says:
I’m not anymore okay
Mary Poppins says:
swept off ??

Ted says:
taken away
Mary Poppins says:
I don't understand
Ted says:
I’m so tired of this marie, I’m totally doing everything I think is right here, the present was just because I like you as a friend, it wasn't to sway your feelings or anything like that, I just really like you, I dunno, I’m just .. you really make it hard on some people some times merde, suis vraiment en amour pour vous, I’m just tired of all this I don't know what else I can say or do. . .
Ted says:
good night. . .
Mary Poppins says:
ok forget about me . . .that will make things easier
Mary Poppins says:
I'm just stupid..even when I'm trying not to hurt anyone's feelings I do so maybe . . .I should just stop it right now. . .it will be better for everyone
Mary Poppins says:
I'm sorry ..I really didn't mean to do that. . .good night
Ted says:
yeah I think I’m going to go enjoy another night crying myself to sleep
Mary Poppins says:
I don't want you to cry. . .
Mary Poppins says:
U should just hate me. . .That's how I would feel. . .I just hate myself right now. . .
Mary Poppins says:
are u gone?
Mary Poppins says:
Ted I'm sorry
Mary Poppins says:
ok I guess u are gone or u don't want to talk to me. . .so good night. . .don’t know what I could say ..I think it would be better if I could just shut my fucking mouth for once
Mary Poppins says:
Ted I care about you and I didn't mean to hurt you or anything. . .

10/20/2002 – Marie Night after Kelly

Mary studying!! says:
I'm sure ur mad at me right now
Ted says:
yo
Ted says:
why?
Mary studying!! says:
D-hall?
Ted says:
you are kind of strange
Mary studying!! says:
I know
Ted says:
what happened to the Basque guy?
Ted says:
something about a fight?
Mary studying!! says:
no. . .but he was at a frat party and a random guy (am I using the word correctly?) came to him to say there was this guy who didn't like Asier . . . They think he just tried to pvoke a fight or something
Mary studying!! says:
provoke
Mary studying!! says:
But they just left the party
Ted says:
who is Asier? was he at kappa sig? yeah the guys are asses like that sometimes, if you're talking to a girl they like they tell one of the brothers and fights start or people get kicked out
Mary studying!! says:
Asier is the Basque guy
Ted says:
oh
Ted says:
yes you used random correctly
Mary studying!! says:
well he wasn't doing anything..just drinking a beer with his friends . . .
Ted says:
weird
Mary studying!! says:
no. . .American
Mary studying!! says:
just kidding
Ted says:
. . .
Ted says:
lol
Ted says:
try not to be a typical French
Ted says:
I know its difficult
Ted says:
you in your room
Mary studying!! says:
yes
Ted says:
I think I’m going to go study or something
Ted says:
I don't even know what work I have
Mary studying!! says:
don't u have a 8 pages story or something like that?
Ted says:
yeah due at the end of October
Ted says:
I think I’ll do a sniper type story
Mary studying!! says:
lol
Mary studying!! says:
Can I ask u something after I won't bother u anymore. . .but I'm a curious person
Mary studying!! says:
???
Mary studying!! says:
ok I'll ask another day
Ted says:
parents
Ted says:
hello
Ted says:
ask
Mary studying!! says:
what's going on between Kelly and you..
Mary studying!! says:
Kelly sorry
Mary studying!! says:
brb bathroom time
Ted says:
well she's ready for a relationship now, but she's going to give me time to get over you, cause she knows that I fell for you and that its not going anywhere so she told me to take some time and get myself together but she does want a relationship. . . and I’m still torn between her as a friend and her as a girlfriend so yeah last night was bad, cause I was drunk, and I invited u over cause I felt
Ted says:
bad that you were lonely and had nothing to do, but I shouldn't have invited u cause then Kelly felt that she had to leave and yeah so right when we were talking like 5 seconds before u came in she's like um you shouldn't have invited her , I should go and leave u guys alone to talk, and then I came back
Ted says:
and good old James was here and I don't remember much after that
Mary studying!! says:
wow. . .
Mary studying!! says:
that's my face right now. . .
Mary studying!! says:
no words
Mary studying!! says:
yeah u shouldn't have invited me at all. . .
Ted says:
yeah cause then I wasn't able to invite her and
Ted says:
what am I saying
Ted says:
disregard that
Ted says:
cause then I wasn't able to walk her back, and she has a lot farther to go, and we had been drinking a lot. . .well I was definitely drunk
Mary studying!! says:
no but I mean . . . wow this situation is so weird
Ted says:
yeah well it was weirder for u I think
Ted says:
or both of u
Ted says:
me ushering one out and another girl coming over
Ted says:
yeah that was kind of strange
Ted says:
and both those girls seeing me do it at the same time
Mary studying!! says:
I'm sorry to say that but u shouldn't have done that to her
Ted says:
yeah your expression last night was a little , yeah I know now, but it was too late, cause u were already there
Mary studying!! says:
were u expecting that something would happen with her yesterday?
Ted says:
I knew then I mean but yeah , by the time I realized you shouldn't come it was too late
Ted says:
no
Mary studying!! says:
you’re an ass. . . u know what when I came over last night I thought I might want something to happen but now I'm sure that nothing will ever happen
Ted says:
if I enter into a relationship with Kelly it'll be a no sex ever and I just have to make sure I can accept that, cause that is the ultimate goal, but she's strictly against pre marital sex so, yeah
Mary studying!! says:
oh my GOD! She's really an old fashioned girl
Ted says:
you thought u might want something to happen
Mary studying!! says:
yes..but not anymore
Ted says:
yeah well that sux
Ted says:
it sux more though cause James was there
Mary studying!! says:
still. . .I saw u drunk and. . ..I didn't like it
Ted says:
yeah when I got back I was like oh my god no! ah
Ted says:
oh
Ted says:
nice
Ted says:
what was I mean or something?
Mary studying!! says:
no not mean
Ted says:
what did u think about my outfit today? gay or nice? I was unsure
Mary studying!! says:
I didn't really see it. . . Mary studying!! says:
So do u like her or not? I mean . . .I don't understand
Ted says:
um yeah I love being with her
Ted says:
except I can't imagine it as a girlfriend
Ted says:
her not it
Ted says:
it = the relationship
Ted says:
well I think any of the passion I ever felt towards u some how disappeared in one short night
Mary studying!! says:
guys change their mind so quickly. . .well me too
Ted says:
and the "ever happen" part just kind of validated that or something
Ted says:
I love her as a friend
Mary studying!! says:
good
Ted says:
I mean I’ve always felt that
Mary studying!! says:
U know what I'm happy that finally things evolve and that we all know now where we are. . .
Ted says:
my mind hasn't really changed
Ted says:
and I’ll still be pissed when u go and hook up with someone , but whatever, I’ll come find you in five years and make you submit
Mary studying!! says:
well are u physically attracted to her? Do u imagine yourself kissing her ?
Ted says:
haha
Ted says:
um
Mary studying!! says:
I mean that's the only way to figure out if you want to or not
Ted says:
yeah I dunno, she's a little plumper than my category, but yeah its the same thing with how I felt about you, like there s other things that are more important
Ted says:
man you sure talk a lot when you aren't the subject
Mary studying!! says:
I'll be pissed if u are with Kelly but that's a girl thing. . .feeling that a guy doesn't see u anymore. . .
Mary studying!! says:
. . .as the only one
Mary studying!! says:
So u feel the same way about both of us?. . .Sorry I maybe didn't understand
Ted says:
no
Ted says:
like the part of how I found different things in you then I had been after in a girl, its like the same thing all over again,
Ted says:
but they're all different things obviously
Ted says:
sly
Ted says:
so are you saying because I was drunk and you didn't like the way I was acting, you lost that feeling u had?
Mary studying!! says:
I think. . .
Ted says:
man would I do anything to reverse time like a day
Mary studying!! says:
And the conversation with Gia also
Ted says:
you got in a fight with her huh?
Mary studying!! says:
no. . .why do u say that?
Ted says:
cause I saw that her name was blocked on my buddy list
Mary studying!! says:
u don't want to reverse time. . .I'm the right one
Mary studying!! says:
YOU BLOCKED IT
Mary studying!! says:
I saw u
Ted says:
you're the right one?
Mary studying!! says:
I’m NOT the right one. . .sorry
Ted says:
thought so
Mary studying!! says:

Ted says:
little words like that
Ted says:
so I blocked her?
Mary studying!! says:
Do u remember ur conversation with her?
Ted says:
no
Mary studying!! says:
coz James and I started it. . .she thought it was u
Mary studying!! says:
and she started talking about me
Ted says:
god I hate it when people do that
Mary studying!! says:
I know but we didn't think she would talk about me
Mary studying!! says:
and then she started and well..I was curious to know what she'd say about me
Ted says:
what did she say
Mary studying!! says:
I don't really remember but at the beginning she was asking u what u felt about me. . .if there was something going on and then she started to talk about Kelly
Ted says:
what did I say?
Mary studying!! says:
And I think that u told her that the only girl u ever kissed was Kelly. . .
Ted says:
the only girl I ever kissed was Kelly? lol
Ted says:
I’ve kissed like 50 girls
Mary studying!! says:
no but I mean. . .U kissed Kelly but not me. . .u know what I didn't really see what u were writing. . .
Ted says:
oh
Ted says:
I kissed Kelly cause she's never been kissed before and I knew she wanted an educated kiss
Mary studying!! says:
I maybe had an hallucination
Mary studying!! says:
You're just another asshole
Ted says:
fuck I’m goddamn serious
Ted says:
we kissed for half a second
Mary studying!! says:
whatever..it's not my problem anymore
Ted says:
it wasn't even a kiss all we did was hit our teeth
Mary studying!! says:
nice
Ted says:
yeah but you're a really good girlfriend and I’m telling you the truth
Ted says:
so don't give me this bullshit
Mary studying!! says:
what bullshit? You're kissing her . . .but you’re not even sure if u want to be with her. . ..and I believe the things u tell me but the I hear that Kelly and u. . .well sorry. . .I don't think it's bullshit
Ted says:
Kelly and me what?
Ted says:
I was totally in love with you. . . you knew all I wanted was a kiss
Ted says:
and you don't even give me the time of day or let me know what you're really feeling
Ted says:
so what the hell am I supposed to do!@
Ted says:
I never opened up to someone like this in my entire life
Mary studying!! says:
My feelings have nothing to do with what I'm saying
Mary studying!! says:
You can't do that to Kelly
Ted says:
and all for a fucked up ended weird relationship I don't know shit I just want us to be really good friends now okay, I just don't get why you're trying to make me feel like more of an ass
Ted says:
yeah well I got to get over you and
Ted says:
go out with her now
Ted says:
I know that
Ted says:
damn
Mary studying!! says:
Ok sorry..I maybe went too far
Mary studying!! says:
I don't want u to get mad. . .I'm sorry
Mary studying!! says:
I know that I'm the one who fucked up everything
Ted says:
grrrrrrrr, I’m such a fuck up, you should never have told me u came over here wanting something, now I’m going to be hanging on to an almost relationship for the rest of my life
Mary studying!! says:
what?
Ted says:
no u didn't, well its half your fault lol I dunno goddam things are so weird for me right now
Mary studying!! says:
Well maybe it's better like that
Mary studying!! says:
I mean . . .I'm just too complicated
Ted says:
I know
Ted says:
so just tell me now
Ted says:
why are u pissed I kissed Kelly, did u or something want one earlier I mean Christ u have to let people in on these things, just as a bit of knowledge for any future relationship u might have
Mary studying!! says:
well I don't know if you’ll understand me. . .but yesterday I came to ur room for something. . .But it didn't happen and I think I just like u as a friend and I was drunk and. . .so thinking that between u and Kelly there's been something going on etc. . .while I was waiting in ur room. . .
Ted says:
you do this all the time I don't get it. . . you're jealous that I stay too long with a friend somewhere and then I come back just for you and I want a relationship and you're like all quiet and I just don't understand. if you want to spend all the time with me then u should have accepted before u know
Ted says:
while you were waiting in my room. . .. what what what?
Ted says:
I blame James for last night
Mary studying!! says:
did u kiss her yesterday night?
Ted says:
yes
Mary studying!! says:
ok when I was in your room waiting
Mary studying!! says:
I'm a girl..and girls like guys to pay attention to them. . .when they realize the a guy doesn’t pay attention to then anymore they don't like it..I know It's really selfish but I can't help it. . .In a way u can say I'm a b. . ..
Ted says:
never but
Ted says:
yeah, I mean I wanted u all those times, so had I just said no I don't like u I don't want to hang out with you anymore and been an ass I might have gotten a relationship man the world is fucked up
Ted says:
I take no response as a yes
Ted says:

Mary studying!! says:
I really thought at a time I wanted something to happen at . . .but now I know what I want or don't want
Ted says:
so what guys are on your mind, where's James in the spectrum
Mary studying!! says:
Come on
Ted says:
come on what
Mary studying!! says:
It's not because of another guy..do u really think I’m like that?
Ted says:
and yes I’m definitely jealous
Ted says:
I dunno
Ted says:
leaving the room to hear him sing, surrrrre, correcting his french homework, showing up at your room
Mary studying!! says:
you're jealous
Ted says:
damn straight
Mary studying!! says:
I wanted him to sing..but he didn't want to sing in front of everyone
Ted says:
so he sang with his tongue in your mouth?
Ted says:
j/k
Mary studying!! says:
yes
Mary studying!! says:
just kidding
Ted says:
lol'
Mary studying!! says:
I'm NOT attracted to James. . .I don't have anything to tell him
Mary studying!! says:
And I think all he wants is just a "one night stand". . ..maybe he doesn't want anything. . .Maybe I've been hallucinating again
Ted says:
yeah well I want to warn u about that cause he is like that
Mary studying!! says:
and maybe he's sitting next to u and every time I see him I'll feel so ridiculous
Mary studying!! says:
So what did u talk to Kelly today?
Mary studying!! says:
forget the word what
Ted says:
lol - James comment
Mary studying!! says:
fuck!!!!
Ted says:
what?
Mary studying!! says:
is he really there?
Ted says:
no
Ted says:
lol - James comment, meant I was saying lol to what u said about him

10/23/2002 - MarieMails

10/23/2002 - MarieMails

Ok...I didn't get what u said about the charming prince and neverneverland...but I guess it wasn't a compliment....Well I don't care what u might think about me. And next time I'll just keep my thoughts for me! Why am I getting so mad?? I hate it...anyway I didn't like it so instead of sending a 12 pages diary just try to help me understand I know u did..but I still didn't get it...Sorry I'm not completely fluent in english!I think I'm just tired and should go to bed..

I think I know why I reacted like that..I found it out while I went to the bathroom (nice, isn't it?)...well the reason I reacted like that is I thought that the things u said about Charming prince etc...meant, that because I'm shy and everything, I'm like waiting for the things to happen and...I don't know it doesn't make any sense now...Well and the other thing is that I feel like shit these days because of my grades and because of the fact that I never talk in class...So I don't like when I don't understand something coz it reinforces the bad things I think about myself. And because I believe the people might think I'm really not smart...and I really don't want the people to think that...

Did I ever tell u that I was VERY COMPLICATED?

Sorry for that...I wanted u to understand me but I think you’ll be even more confused after that...

10/23/2002 – Marie Psych Diag

Hologram283: hello
t b e a r inside: yo
Hologram283: what do u think of my personality test
t b e a r inside: who is this?
Hologram283: thank you for the sentence on ur profile
Hologram283: pumpkin
Hologram283: :-*
t b e a r inside: oh
t b e a r inside: so who's hologram 283?
Hologram283: it's me
t b e a r inside: why?
t b e a r inside: why hologram?
t b e a r inside: send it again my msn's fucked up
Hologram283: no hologram is a word I like and 283 because I was born the 02/08/83
t b e a r inside: nice
Hologram283: What does this score mean?

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. . .Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your

t b e a r inside: u mean 8283?

10/26/2002 - Pumpkin

Pumpkin says:
good night
Ton Nounours says:
te adoro
Pumpkin says:

Ton Nounours says:

Ton Nounours says:
I love our time together
Pumpkin says:
me too. . .
Ton Nounours says:
seriously
Pumpkin says:
seriously what?
Ton Nounours says:
I really do
Ton Nounours says:
I can't stand being without u
Pumpkin says:
yeah me too
Ton Nounours says:

Ton Nounours says:
okay then
Ton Nounours says:
goodnight
Ton Nounours says:
marie
Pumpkin says:
good night
Ton Nounours says:

10/27/2002 – Night I Went to DC

TitePumpkin: ok. . .ttyl then:-) or maybe tomorrow
TitePumpkin: thank u for answering

Auto response from t b e a r inside: probably across the hall in Nan's room


TitePumpkin: >:o
TitePumpkin: if u're not gone yet. . .tell me when u leave. . .

Auto response from t b e a r inside: probably across the hall in Nan's room


TitePumpkin: Oh I changed ur buddy Icon. . .it's tweetie the bird

Auto response from t b e a r inside: probably across the hall in Nan's room


TitePumpkin: what's mine?
TitePumpkin signed off at 1:33:17 AM.
TitePumpkin signed on at 1:48:11 AM.
TitePumpkin: just checking if u're back

Auto response from t b e a r inside: probably across the hall in Nan's room


TitePumpkin: apparently u're not
TitePumpkin: u didn't miss anything. . .the party wasn't that good. . .I saw Gia;-). . .James was there. . .He started to mes chech my hair when we were sitting on the couch together..and I wanted to tell him to leave me alone. . .Two people tonight have been telling me that there is a rumour about u and me. . .Yeah they all want to know if we are together!! Anyway I hope u had fun where ever u were (to DC or with Kelly or whatever) . . .Ok. . .don't think I'm drunk coz I'm not. . .even if it looks like I am. . .I'm just bored..I wanted to talk to u but you're not there. . ..I guess I'll just say goodnight and go to bed. . .that's what u would tell me. . .Coz I talk to much at night!! I want to say I missed u but it's better not to..Ok bye my little teddy bear!!
TitePumpkin: I forgot to say that my dear roomie was a little bit drunk! Just a little bit:-P

Auto response from t b e a r inside: probably across the hall in Nan's room


TitePumpkin signed off at 5:31:56 AM.

10/29/2002 – Ciao Bello

TitePumpkin: thsank u for calling
t b e a r inside: de rien
t b e a r inside: I’ll send u the list of classes
TitePumpkin: can u believe that we haven't talked yesterday?
t b e a r inside: for next semester
TitePumpkin: I have them
t b e a r inside: cause the book isn't as good
TitePumpkin: oh
t b e a r inside: it does descriptions
t b e a r inside: but not what is really being offered
t b e a r inside: it shows in the book everything being offered this year but not necessarily next semester
t b e a r inside: its complicated
TitePumpkin: ok thank you. . .Is there like one class that u really liked and that is about the US?
TitePumpkin: no but it's the new book that I have
t b e a r inside: not really
t b e a r inside: lol
t b e a r inside: try not to take Dr. Bolt
TitePumpkin: why?
t b e a r inside: he's really boring
TitePumpkin: noce
TitePumpkin: nice
t b e a r inside: shoot I’m looking for the excel file that has the list of all of next semesters classes
t b e a r inside: but I’m not having luck..but I have to find it for myself too u know doh!
TitePumpkin: oh!!
TitePumpkin: I hope you’ll find it
TitePumpkin: I mean for u not for me
TitePumpkin: :-D
TitePumpkin: ok I'll try to read a little bit. . .:-(
TitePumpkin: see u at D-hall
t b e a r inside: ciao
TitePumpkin: ciao
t b e a r inside: any interest in African American History. . ..the teacher is my advisor and she seems really nice its 9:45 - 11:00 Tuesday and Thursday
TitePumpkin: 9.45 is early!! I'm kidding..
t b e a r inside: yeah I thought so too
TitePumpkin: But u don't know if the class is interesting
t b e a r inside: what marketing class are taking?
TitePumpkin: I don't know yet
t b e a r inside: well which ones were u planning on trying to get into
TitePumpkin: I'm waiting for my dad to tall me what he thinks. . .
TitePumpkin: Integrated Marketing Communications. . .
TitePumpkin: U know my dad is my "advisor"
TitePumpkin: ;-)
t b e a r inside: no shit?
TitePumpkin: what?
t b e a r inside: ahah
t b e a r inside: oh "advisor" doh!
TitePumpkin: yes that's what I wrotr
TitePumpkin: wrote
TitePumpkin: what did u think I said?
t b e a r inside: I thought u were serious
TitePumpkin: How could he be my advisor?
TitePumpkin: Did u just take mushrooms or something?
t b e a r inside: uh oh you better sign off you're not getting any work done
TitePumpkin: ok dad
t b e a r inside: ahhah you're dad told u that?
t b e a r inside: I love talking to u
TitePumpkin: my dad told me what?
t b e a r inside: did ur dad tell u to stay off msn and aim
TitePumpkin: no..but the way u said it. . .
TitePumpkin: whatever
t b e a r inside: :-P
TitePumpkin: ok I don't think I'll read
TitePumpkin: at least not now
t b e a r inside: I think like 99% of my classes are going to be after 4:00pm
TitePumpkin: it's not fair
TitePumpkin: how many credits ?
t b e a r inside: readings bad, talking to ted and getting distracted from your work is good
TitePumpkin: suuuuuuuuuuure
t b e a r inside: 14-16
TitePumpkin: only 12 for me:-D. . .I'm an exchange student!!
t b e a r inside: ahh I hate the cold, but I hate it more when its cold and raining
t b e a r inside: haha
t b e a r inside: yeah but I’m only taking 4 classes
TitePumpkin: yes. . .and I hate it when it's too hot
TitePumpkin: oh
TitePumpkin: which ones?
t b e a r inside: english classes are four credits
TitePumpkin: ..
t b e a r inside: and 2 histories which are 3 creds so probably like 14 credits
t b e a r inside: which ones
t b e a r inside: um
TitePumpkin: what are ur history classes?
t b e a r inside: I dunno yet I have to see what works
t b e a r inside: I register on friday
TitePumpkin: h=that's only three classes
TitePumpkin: no?
t b e a r inside: no two historyies are 3 creds each
TitePumpkin: oh 2 english classes?
t b e a r inside: yeah
t b e a r inside: so Creative Writing (second part), Jr/Sr seminar on Mysticism (english class)
TitePumpkin: ok. . .for me it'll be the same as last semester..2 business classes (me=rakting+management), german and one american studies class
t b e a r inside: yeah lets try to take a history class together lol
TitePumpkin: on Mysticism??
t b e a r inside: yeah I don't know what that is either
TitePumpkin: I don't think we'll be able
TitePumpkin: I mean I can only take an intro class. . .
TitePumpkin: but it would be nic
TitePumpkin: e
t b e a r inside: yeah I guess you're right
TitePumpkin: I'm always right
t b e a r inside: :-!
TitePumpkin: I've almost finished downloading the Lord of the Rings
TitePumpkin: I'm so proud of myself!
TitePumpkin: :-D
TitePumpkin: I'm tired I think. . .
t b e a r inside: yeah I was falling asleep in class
t b e a r inside: you're downloading the Lord of the Rings?
TitePumpkin: me too I tryed to concentrate so much not to yawn. . .
TitePumpkin: yeah I am
TitePumpkin: don't tell me u have it
t b e a r inside: hhaaha
TitePumpkin: no!
t b e a r inside: yeah I didn't read the book we were talking about in class today
TitePumpkin: oh
t b e a r inside: and I was just passing out the entire time
t b e a r inside: I have it on DVD in california
TitePumpkin: but not here
t b e a r inside: you downloading it from kazaa
TitePumpkin: yup
t b e a r inside: nice
t b e a r inside: you have what? the first part
t b e a r inside: you know theres like three parts right?
t b e a r inside: three parts of just the Fellowhip
TitePumpkin: u mean the one of last christmas>
TitePumpkin: I saw it last year
t b e a r inside: yeah when u download it, it comes in three parts
t b e a r inside: and they're each like 500 megabytes
TitePumpkin: oh I don't know. . .all I know is that's fucking long
t b e a r inside: ahhaah
t b e a r inside: say that last line in french
TitePumpkin: tout ce que je sais c que c putain de long
t b e a r inside: putain de long
t b e a r inside: hahahahah
TitePumpkin: So it means that I've been downloading ONLY the first part ..for more than a week now??? FUCK
TitePumpkin: I was so happy . . .and now. . .:'(
t b e a r inside: lol
t b e a r inside: I have a friend who has them I think
t b e a r inside: so don't worry
TitePumpkin: not lol
t b e a r inside: oh yes lol
t b e a r inside: lol
TitePumpkin: :-(
TitePumpkin: ; (
TitePumpkin: : (
TitePumpkin: so at what time did u go to bed to be so tired?
t b e a r inside wants to send file C:\Documents and Settings\enista\Desktop\ug_spring03_NEW.xls.
TitePumpkin received C:\Documents and Settings\enista\Desktop\ug_spring03_NEW.xls.
t b e a r inside: talk to your roommate
t b e a r inside: I saw here this morning
t b e a r inside: her
t b e a r inside: I had to get up at 7:15 to go have a chat with my advisor
t b e a r inside: bascially we didn't discuss anything she just gave me my pin number
TitePumpkin: nice. . ..ur right it's only the first fucking part
TitePumpkin: of the fellowship
TitePumpkin: why 7.15?
TitePumpkin: it's EARLY!
TitePumpkin: TOO early
t b e a r inside: ahahaahahaha
t b e a r inside: yeah it was the only time the teacher had free
t b e a r inside: and all I did is go in there tell her what classes I’ve taken
t b e a r inside: and leave
TitePumpkin: nice. . .u could have stayed inbed
t b e a r inside: I was like UH hello we're supposed to chat about whats going on in our lives or something
t b e a r inside: and she was like sorry I have class
TitePumpkin: no ur not
t b e a r inside: oh man what a pain
t b e a r inside: yeah that’s what I did the last two years
TitePumpkin: Which professor really cares about the student
TitePumpkin: s life
t b e a r inside: well I mean they could just send me my pin number in my mail box u know?
TitePumpkin: that's correct
t b e a r inside: well they have this facade here that they try to keep up u know that the kids interact with their advisors and teachers
TitePumpkin: and u were telling me she's nice
t b e a r inside: even though its untrue as we all know
t b e a r inside: she is nice
t b e a r inside: but she's new
t b e a r inside: she doesn't know how they do it I guess
TitePumpkin: yes but she doesn't want to hear about what's going on in ur life
t b e a r inside: cause she didn't give me my pin card
t b e a r inside: she just gave me the number
TitePumpkin: oh. . .
t b e a r inside: it was really stragne
TitePumpkin: oh. . .
t b e a r inside: she wasn't informed I guess on what to do
TitePumpkin: oh..
TitePumpkin: just kidding
TitePumpkin: what's this pincard for?
t b e a r inside: you need the numer to register for your classes
t b e a r inside: "term pin" it asks you for and u type in this six digit number
TitePumpkin: ok
TitePumpkin: do u register online or?
TitePumpkin: brb
t b e a r inside: yeah
t b e a r inside: sales management or marketing research/analysis/
TitePumpkin: these are the other options I have
TitePumpkin: do u have the trash in ur bathroom?
TitePumpkin: still there?
t b e a r inside: hello?
t b e a r inside: what was that
TitePumpkin: hello
TitePumpkin: what?
TitePumpkin: did u hear music?
t b e a r inside: no not really
TitePumpkin: what then>?
t b e a r inside: u asked something about trash in my bathroom?
TitePumpkin: oh.lol
TitePumpkin: lol
TitePumpkin: Coz I tryed the Talk thing
t b e a r inside: yeah I noticed
TitePumpkin: I thought it worked
t b e a r inside: I accepted
t b e a r inside: but I turned the volume up and u didn't say anytning
TitePumpkin: I don't know how to use it
t b e a r inside: lol hold on
TitePumpkin: nothing
TitePumpkin: still nothing
t b e a r inside: I know still nothing
t b e a r inside: I didn't even connect my mic yet
TitePumpkin: oh..u need a mic?
t b e a r inside: hear anythin?
TitePumpkin: no
t b e a r inside: don't disconnect
TitePumpkin: so. . .
t b e a r inside: you have your volume on or what?
TitePumpkin: nothing
t b e a r inside: u hear my or not
t b e a r inside: oh that sux
TitePumpkin: of course
TitePumpkin: Ok I'll try and tell me if u can hear me
t b e a r inside: okay
t b e a r inside: I almost heard something
TitePumpkin: can u hear something
t b e a r inside: no
TitePumpkin: it's so stupid talking to ur computer
TitePumpkin: and u can't even hear what I’m sayong
TitePumpkin: ok still there?
t b e a r inside: THATS WHY THEY HAVE PHONES
t b e a r inside: lol
t b e a r inside: peole are so silly
TitePumpkin: we 're going to d-hall. . .mini pinkie facu is hungry
t b e a r inside: I bet her friend brain is happy too huh?
t b e a r inside: hungry not happy!
t b e a r inside: :-!
TitePumpkin: oh yeah
TitePumpkin: see u
t b e a r inside: ciao
TitePumpkin: ciao bello
t b e a r inside: :-P

10/30/2002 – Mary Freaked Out

TitePumpkin: hey

Auto response from t b e a r inside: Such a romantic song:
http://www3.quantumlynx.com/barontech/list/sayit.swf


TitePumpkin: asshole
TitePumpkin: ok tell me when u want to go. . .I'll be in the room
TitePumpkin: but not forever

Auto response from t b e a r inside: Such a romantic song:
http://www3.quantumlynx.com/barontech/list/sayit.swf


TitePumpkin: fuck ur romantic song! I almost had a heartattack
TitePumpkin: ok I'm going to the library. . .ttyl
TitePumpkin: hey

Auto response from t b e a r inside: Such a romantic song:
http://www3.quantumlynx.com/barontech/list/sayit.swf

TitePumpkin: >:o

11/7/2002 – MarieMails

I don't know what I could answer to that right now..but I just wanted u to know that I appreciate what ur doing...I mean ur really being comprehensive with me and that means a lot to me...U know I really like u a lot ...
I have to go to bed...good night... sweet dreams and good luck with ur work..
Pumpkin ;)
P u m p k I n

TED TO MARIE: stop replying! lol........if u look at this message tonight then you're more mentally retarded then either of us now!
MARIE TO TED: Maybe I am?!! Don't reply....
MARIE TO TED: Tu m'evites?

11/10/2002 – Marie Talk On Dutty Cash a Drunken Night, supposedly I told her to get out
t b e a r inside: what the fuck
DuttyCash: what?
t b e a r inside: put marie on
DuttyCash: a'ight, this is her
t b e a r inside: what the hell is going on
DuttyCash: nothing
t b e a r inside: are you just drunk, I don't understand
DuttyCash: I;m not anymore
DuttyCash: I just didn't like what u said
t b e a r inside: I didn't mean it like that I was going to say you can sleep here cause we have an extra bed
t b e a r inside: but you looked ready to go you were carrying your shirt
t b e a r inside: and then u said no you're going to michaels
DuttyCash: It 's more about what u said before I left your room
t b e a r inside: I said "marie sit down"
DuttyCash: before your gonna fall again or something like that
t b e a r inside: no I didn't
DuttyCash: u did
DuttyCash: I don't hear voices
t b e a r inside: fuck if I did, its a fucking joke. . .
DuttyCash: like Joan of arc
t b e a r inside: joan of arc?
t b e a r inside: you are still drunk
t b e a r inside: a bit
t b e a r inside: I don't know marie
DuttyCash: never mind. . .she used to hear voices AND she got burned
t b e a r inside: I know who she was
DuttyCash: I'm not
t b e a r inside: but thats the most bogus comparison
t b e a r inside: well if u don't want to go back to your room u can sleep in rishi's bed or something
t b e a r inside: whatever
t b e a r inside: I’m sorry for pissing you off, but
t b e a r inside: I don't know what else to say this storming off stuff is just really childish
t b e a r inside: I’m going to sleep
DuttyCash: hey
DuttyCash: u know I'm not really mad at u
DuttyCash: I can't
t b e a r inside: sure
DuttyCash: sure ?t b e a r inside: sure, like I don't believe u
DuttyCash: ok I was mad at u but I'll never be more than. . .half an hour
t b e a r inside: you'll never be mad at me for more than a half hour
t b e a r inside: well u just came back to my room and you were still mad and you gave me a bunch of nasty looks
DuttyCash: ok
t b e a r inside: so me and rosa are just tired of this whole thing right now
DuttyCash: u want me to say I'm sorry?
t b e a r inside: I’m going to bed
t b e a r inside: no
DuttyCash: hey
t b e a r inside: what
DuttyCash:
t b e a r inside:
t b e a r inside: goodnight
DuttyCash: wait

LATER THAT NIGHT:
Mary Poppins: ok I am drunk but don't be mad at me..i are about u think more than u can imagine. u are omne of my best friends to me..

11/11/2002 – More MarieMails!

RE: stop replying! lol........if u look at this message tonight then you're more mentally retarded then either of us now!
Marie Says: Who am I gonna talk to now??
Marie Says: Lacheur!!!

11/13/2002 – Who Are You Talking To?

Ted says:
I’m still here
Ted says:
waiting for you to continue
Marie says:
don't pay attention to what I'm saying
Ted says:
continue stp
Ted says:
j'attend ta repond
Marie says:
no I'm just convincing myself and you. . .well trying at least
Marie says:
I don't like myself for some things
Ted says:
try try try again, pic yourself up and try again
Ted says:
like what "things"
Marie says:
ok we're not here to analyse me. . .so
Ted says:
no analysis
Ted says:
I just want to hear it
Ted says:
and if you disconnect again well. . .then goodnightentoggen
Ted says:
I want to know what you want
Marie says:
that's weird. . .I'm telling myself that it's you I'm talking to but it's not really the same person. . .or I don't act the same way when we don't talk online
Marie says:
and that's maybe why it's weird

11/14/2002 – Let’s Talk About Sex Baby

TitePumpkin: how's the movie
t b e a r inside: goooooooood
TitePumpkin: good then
t b e a r inside: there's this eerie airplane hum in the background
t b e a r inside: they just woke up from a deep freeze sleep
t b e a r inside: lol
TitePumpkin: nice
TitePumpkin: I'm watching sex in the city
t b e a r inside: lol
t b e a r inside: steal it from rishi?
TitePumpkin: not aanymore
TitePumpkin: no I downloaded it
t b e a r inside: why did u steal it from rishi for a while?
TitePumpkin: no!!!???
t b e a r inside: "not aanymore?"
TitePumpkin: I said not anymore for "not watching the thing anymore
TitePumpkin: but then u wrote something and u got confuse
t b e a r inside: ????
TitePumpkin: d
TitePumpkin: never mind
TitePumpkin: go back to ur aliens:-P
t b e a r inside: I never said "not watching the thing anymore"
t b e a r inside: weird
t b e a r inside: you're inventing pieces of conersation
t b e a r inside: lol
TitePumpkin: that's what I AM saying
t b e a r inside: :-D
TitePumpkin: ok I wrote not anymore..right?
t b e a r inside: dingue
t b e a r inside: go back to your sex :-P
TitePumpkin: fuck Im tryoing to explain it but I can't
t b e a r inside: I noticed. . .u type for five minutes and then u delete it. . .type again. . .delete it and then "TitePumpkin: fuck Im tryoing to explain it but I can't" is what appears hehe
TitePumpkin: I know
TitePumpkin: but ur giving me a hard time . . .
t b e a r inside: I think I’m pretty good at figuring you out, so don't worry
t b e a r inside: just say what you want to say
t b e a r inside: and I’ll figure it out
TitePumpkin: ok so why didn't u understand this one and let me try REALLY hard to explain u what u misread
TitePumpkin: :'(I'm exhausted
t b e a r inside: (you don't need the second u)
t b e a r inside: go back to sex :-*
TitePumpkin: F. . .
TitePumpkin: I only had one downloaded
t b e a r inside: so come take rishi's dvd's
TitePumpkin: no
t b e a r inside: I thought you had "lots of work to do"
TitePumpkin: I have but I’m really tired
TitePumpkin: . . .and hungry. . .and not in the mood for doing anything than watching stupid stuuff
t b e a r inside: lol
t b e a r inside: stupid filles
TitePumpkin: not lol..at all
TitePumpkin: stupid guy
t b e a r inside: yeah, proud of it
TitePumpkin: well. . ..u shouldn't
t b e a r inside: you're just jealous
t b e a r inside: your not as dumb as me
TitePumpkin: of what please?
t b e a r inside: :-!
TitePumpkin: ?
TitePumpkin: hello?
TitePumpkin: sorry ur watching the movie:-[
t b e a r inside: i'm watching a dumb movie
t b e a r inside: i have cruel intentions. . .i can send it to u if u want
TitePumpkin: well thanks but I watched it a 1000000 times
t b e a r inside wants to send file E:\My Download Files\My Movies\Comedy\Cruel Intentions.avi.
t b e a r inside: should i cancel?
TitePumpkin: I've realised that I type really fast in french
t b e a r inside: so speak in french
TitePumpkin: no
t b e a r inside: type in french
t b e a r inside: non
t b e a r inside: oui
TitePumpkin: non oui NON
TitePumpkin: :-D
TitePumpkin received E:\My Download Files\My Movies\Comedy\Cruel Intentions.avi.
t b e a r inside: shoot i was watching a making of a new jennifer lopez music video and forgot about my movie
t b e a r inside: shux!
TitePumpkin: well watch it
t b e a r inside: ben affleck
t b e a r inside: what a pimp
TitePumpkin: . . .
TitePumpkin: I'm having a really interesting conversation with my cousin from Pennstate
t b e a r inside: cool
t b e a r inside: what about?
TitePumpkin: sex
t b e a r inside: how many times has she done it
TitePumpkin: well her sexlife coz mine isn't really. . ..hum. . ..well u knoiw
t b e a r inside: i know
TitePumpkin: lol
t b e a r inside: yeah i was thinking about that recently. . ..
t b e a r inside: i find it strange that you told me
t b e a r inside: but yeah
t b e a r inside: so whats she say?
TitePumpkin: well why wouldn't I tell u?
t b e a r inside: well you told me after you broke up with me. . ..as if it was a reason
TitePumpkin: it's not and it is
t b e a r inside: myeah
TitePumpkin: do u remember what I said about it?
TitePumpkin: wait
TitePumpkin: TitePumpkin: the truth is I've never slept with a guy before and I don't feel like I want to do it with
TitePumpkin: th truth is I really like u but it's not enough
t b e a r inside: yeah I was just looking for that conversation
t b e a r inside: I already told you it wasn't important
TitePumpkin: well to me it is
t b e a r inside: but I guess it is to u
t b e a r inside: i'm just talking about the sex
t b e a r inside: but yeah the second line is the punchline
TitePumpkin: which one?
t b e a r inside: TitePumpkin: th truth is I really like u but it's not enough
TitePumpkin: well I want to do it wit my boyfriend and if I don't feel like it. . .welll
t b e a r inside: you know I can't really imagine having sex with you myself. . .thats why I said it wasn't important
TitePumpkin: oh
TitePumpkin: can't imagine?
t b e a r inside: no
t b e a r inside: I can't
TitePumpkin: what do u mean?
TitePumpkin: I mean why>
TitePumpkin: ?
t b e a r inside: it would be too strange to just have sex with a girl I really like for a relationship, before I had even just slept in the same bed with her and been close to her
t b e a r inside: i'd have to have that assurance
TitePumpkin: I know it's the same for me. . .I didn't say that I should sleep with the guy right after we make out!??
t b e a r inside: well I mean I could screw some girl I didn't know and had no feelings for like a one night stand
t b e a r inside: but
TitePumpkin: not me
t b e a r inside: well of course not you
t b e a r inside: well I hope not
TitePumpkin: I meant not me..like I couldn't
TitePumpkin: not
TitePumpkin: me being this girl
t b e a r inside: yeah
TitePumpkin: anyway
t b e a r inside: so you're saying you wouldn't sleep with a guy unless u had that developed relationship
TitePumpkin: yes
TitePumpkin: I guess that's why I still haven't had yet because I'm not like all my friends who just get drunk and sleep with first guy
t b e a r inside: hahah
TitePumpkin: I think I have a problem
t b e a r inside: its not good to do that. . .cause your will power is so down when you're drunk
t b e a r inside: you have no defence
TitePumpkin: lol
t b e a r inside: so many more girls are getting drunk these days and losing their virginity because of it, because they become so primiscuous
TitePumpkin: why is it such a big issue for me?
t b e a r inside: rosa rubbing off on you
TitePumpkin: I know and I've always told myself I'll never do it unless it's the right guy
TitePumpkin: no I was like that before
TitePumpkin: ALL the girks I knoe (my friends etc.) they did it being drunk
TitePumpkin: or not with a guy they liked
TitePumpkin: and to me it's more than that. . .
t b e a r inside: wow typing a lot
TitePumpkin: but maybe I shouldn't think like that
t b e a r inside: typing fast too
TitePumpkin: I should just do it! LOL
TitePumpkin: when I feel it
t b e a r inside: yeah when I was growing up
t b e a r inside: I said once
TitePumpkin: and not asking myself questions
t b e a r inside: "I just want to do it and get it over with"
t b e a r inside: and my parents been joking about that to be ever since
TitePumpkin: yeah me too!!!!!!!!!!!!:'(
TitePumpkin: I want to tell myself. . .it's not a big deal
t b e a r inside: yeah so I did it like two days after my 18th birthday, when I was drunk off my butt
TitePumpkin: FUCK I'M 19!!!
t b e a r inside: that sux
TitePumpkin: and still NOTHING!! well not nothing. . .O:-) but
TitePumpkin: not IT
t b e a r inside: they say you're in your best sex is when you're under 20
TitePumpkin: thank u!
t b e a r inside: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
t b e a r inside: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
t b e a r inside: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
TitePumpkin: I don't believe ity
t b e a r inside: not nothing?????details details details
TitePumpkin: I think it's by doing it that u gain experience
t b e a r inside: O:-)X
t b e a r inside: yeah
TitePumpkin: well not me. . .the guy
t b e a r inside: well u too
TitePumpkin: ?
t b e a r inside: u know how to please better or something
t b e a r inside: what positions u like or whatever
TitePumpkin: yeah
TitePumpkin: anyway
TitePumpkin: u don't know how much frustration it represents to me
t b e a r inside: I can tell by your words
TitePumpkin: Ok I'm gonna stop noe
TitePumpkin: w
TitePumpkin: :-[
t b e a r inside: and the unusual length of your sentences
t b e a r inside: and the speed at which you type
t b e a r inside: adrenaline building up marie?
TitePumpkin: my smiley face
t b e a r inside: lol
TitePumpkin: and again
t b e a r inside wants to directly connect.
TitePumpkin is now directly connected.
t b e a r inside:
t b e a r inside: hehe
TitePumpkin: what?
t b e a r inside: you can just drag and drop the image into the typing space
TitePumpkin: which image?
TitePumpkin:
t b e a r inside: your smiley. . .yeah
t b e a r inside: ugggly
t b e a r inside: uggly ugly
TitePumpkin: nope:'(
t b e a r inside: oay
t b e a r inside: okay
t b e a r inside: angry angry angry
TitePumpkin: urs is ugly and scary
t b e a r inside: I have to kick ian's ass right now in soccer
TitePumpkin: I really have to go to bed
TitePumpkin: so good night
t b e a r inside: okay
t b e a r inside: don't have any wet dreams
TitePumpkin: keep ur mouth shut about our little chat. . .well wet dreams are all I have!!!
TitePumpkin: jk
TitePumpkin: jk
TitePumpkin: JUST KIDDING.
TitePumpkin: O:-)
t b e a r inside: O:-)
t b e a r inside: lol
t b e a r inside: crazy
t b e a r inside: weirdo
t b e a r inside: I do keep my mouth shut
TitePumpkin: oh come on don't tell me that u never give urself a. . .how do u say that? A treat or something/
t b e a r inside: too often. . .
TitePumpkin: lol
TitePumpkin: sad
t b e a r inside: yeah I was so excited I finally had a girlfriend. . ...:'(
TitePumpkin: but it's human
TitePumpkin: oh please
TitePumpkin: u didn't about it
TitePumpkin: well that's what u told me
TitePumpkin: well find a girl next time who's not too frustrated
TitePumpkin: lol
t b e a r inside: nighty night
TitePumpkin: nighhhhhhhhhht\\\\\\\\\\\TitePumpkin: what does I grieve mean?
TitePumpkin: ok I'll lookk up in the dictionary
t b e a r inside: I’m playing lol cannot talk give me 5
TitePumpkin: not but it's fine..Im going to beed good night
TitePumpkin direct connection is closed.
TitePumpkin signed off at 11:54:44 PM.

Your Love - The Outfield (edited)

Josie's on a vacation far away
Come around and talk it over
So many things that I'd like to say
You know I like my girls a little bit younger
I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

I ain't got many friends left to talk to
No-one's around when I'm in trouble
You know I'd do anything for you
Stay the night - we'll keep it under cover

I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

Try to stop my hands from shakin'
Somethin' in my mind's not makin' sense
It's been awhile since we've been all alone
I can't hide the way I'm feelin'

As you leave me please would you close the door
and forget what I told you
Just 'cause you're right - that don't mean I'm wrong
Another shoulder to cry upon

I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight
Yeah
I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight
Lose your love
Lose your love
Lose your love

11/22/2002 – No Need To Argue Anymore

TitePumpkin: so what happened before? Why did u leave like that? And then talk to me two hours later?
TitePumpkin: I mean I totally understand what u feel, but do u think it's the best thing to do..
TitePumpkin: ok I feel like I’m talking to a wall coz maybe ur not there . . . so see u
TitePumpkin: ted?
t b e a r inside: I’m here
t b e a r inside: I think i'll come over soon
t b e a r inside: I’m just having some ramen
t b e a r inside: I guess I’m being an ass
TitePumpkin: no
TitePumpkin: it's just that the way u reacted is not gonna change anything. . .It hurts u and me and it's pointless
t b e a r inside: I know
t b e a r inside: but it hurts me more
TitePumpkin: but ur right to be hurt and angry
t b e a r inside: I don't know what to say
t b e a r inside: my ramen's calling me.
t b e a r inside: be right back
TitePumpkin: what did u think that leaving the conversation and signing off would do?
t b e a r inside: I went to sleep for a couple hours
t b e a r inside: I was too depressed. . ..tonight was the first time in a while that getting drung didn't fend off the depression
TitePumpkin: make me feel guilty ? Well I certainly feel guilty but I didn't mean to and I wished I could go back and not make the mistakes I made
t b e a r inside: i've heard that before
TitePumpkin: with me?
t b e a r inside: and I know you were drunk
t b e a r inside: and I’m sorryfor falling in love with you. . .but thats what happened and I can't change that
TitePumpkin: and it was the first time that being drunk made me stupid stuff
t b e a r inside: lol
t b e a r inside: it was the second time
TitePumpkin: when was the first ?
t b e a r inside: " why did I wait so long for this". . .a week later nothing
TitePumpkin: I wasn't drunnk
TitePumpkin: I don't really remember but I don't think I was as drunk as last friday
t b e a r inside: you're right about that
t b e a r inside: =D
TitePumpkin: last friday I wasn't myself or I was but it's the other marie..the one that I'll never be while I'm sober. . .so it wasn't really me
t b e a r inside: I know now
TitePumpkin: I wish I could be a little like that but I'm just the way I am
t b e a r inside: I know
TitePumpkin: well I guess we said everything. . .
t b e a r inside: yup
TitePumpkin: are u still mad at me?
t b e a r inside: I’m mad at me
TitePumpkin: ?
t b e a r inside: for allowing myself to fall into this more than once
t b e a r inside: or even once
TitePumpkin: well how would u have known the first time?
TitePumpkin: but it's not your fault it's mine
t b e a r inside: just the fact that it didn't ever mean anything. . .I feel like one of those stupid girls who expects a relationship after a one night stand with some guy who just wanted to use her
TitePumpkin: and M.Alcohol
TitePumpkin: I didn't use u
TitePumpkin: and u mean something to me
t b e a r inside: I can't keep talking about this
TitePumpkin: well I know but if that's what u think ur wrong
t b e a r inside: I can't because I tried convincing u once it got fucked up
t b e a r inside: the second time it was fucked up
t b e a r inside: and it's stilll fucked up
TitePumpkin: try to convince me about what?
t b e a r inside: and now I’m the one who's fucked up
t b e a r inside: and I’m sick of this
t b e a r inside: convince you about a relationship
t b e a r inside: but its worthless now
t b e a r inside: it never meant anything to you so fuck it, I guess we'll be friends, but its hard really hard right now
t b e a r inside: so I’m gonna go to sleep again, cause I’m gonna cry again. . .
TitePumpkin: it meant something but it wasn't strong enough. And if ur trying to make me feel bad just say what u REALLY think
t b e a r inside: I do
t b e a r inside: I don't want you to feel bad
t b e a r inside: you know what and how I feel
t b e a r inside: so I don't know why you keep asking
t b e a r inside: you tell me yesterday "we need to talk
t b e a r inside: "
t b e a r inside: you could have talked the entire way home
t b e a r inside: but you didn't say anything
t b e a r inside: you talked to martin more at dinner that night then you talked to me the entire week
TitePumpkin: so why do u keep saying that I used u because I never felt ANYTHING about u!
t b e a r inside: it was good for the moment I guess
TitePumpkin: I didn't see Martin for the past week
TitePumpkin: and it's true I wasn't very talkative but I had some work to do and I was thinking about what I really felt and if it was gonna go on or not
t b e a r inside: no you weren't you had already decided
t b e a r inside: you had decided days ago
TitePumpkin: no I didn't
TitePumpkin: I decided yesterday
TitePumpkin: It's when I talked about it with rosa that I really realised
t b e a r inside: why you have to talk about it with rosa
t b e a r inside: you don't even talk about with me
t b e a r inside: what does rosa say? I don't understand at the dance you were like "rosa will get mad at me if we hook up"
TitePumpkin: don't worry she didn't influence me or anything. . .because I'm not a person who easily talks about things directly…didn't u notice?
t b e a r inside: what the hell does rosa have to do with anything
t b e a r inside: yeah I noticed three weeks ago
t b e a r inside: maybe a month or two ago actually
TitePumpkin: Because she thought I would regret it and that I would hurt you again. . .she was worried about u!
TitePumpkin: And I didn't listen to her. . ..and see the result!
t b e a r inside: okay I’m going to cruise into wonderland for 12 hours

There's no need to argue anymore.
I gave all I could, but it left me so sore.
And the thing that makes me mad,
Is the one thing that I had,

I knew, I knew,
I'd lose you.
You'll always be special to me,
Special to me, to me.

And I remember all the things we once shared,
Watching T. V. movies on the living room armchair.
But they say it will work out fine.
Was it all a waste of time.

'Cause I knew, I knew,
I'd lose you.
You'll always be special to me,
Special to me, to me.

Will I forget in time, ah,
You said I was on your mind?
There's no need to argue,
No need to argue anymore.
There's no need to argue anymore.

Ouuu, ouuu, ouuuu...
Special.
Cranberries, No Need To Argue